


A Wolf's Soul

by wickedsingularity



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Romance, Sexual Content, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-10
Packaged: 2018-01-11 21:25:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 36,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedsingularity/pseuds/wickedsingularity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My parents had the kind of love that touched everyone around them. I searched hard for my own soul deep love while I was at Hogwarts. By my last year I had given up. But then there was the start of term feast, and in walked a thin, tired, shabby old man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What My Parents Have

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now! But I will not have the teacher and the student going at it as soon as they realise their feelings. Nothing totally improper will happen while the teacher/student factor is there.
> 
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV. I think it has some other pronunciations too, but here, in A Wolf's Soul, it is pronounced NEEV.

Through all my years at Hogwarts I've tried hard to find love. The reason being that my parents found each other at Hogwarts. They'd known each other since their first year, fell in love in fifth year, bonded the summer after they left, and had me by the time they were both twenty. You can tell how much they love each other just by being in the same room. They don't have to look at each other, talk to each other, you don't even have to see them yourself. It's just there. Radiating and touching everyone near enough. It's like one exhale and the other inhale, one push blood through the veins of the other, one holds the other's soul.

It's amazing. And I want it.

This is why I have been searching for that someone at Hogwarts. That one person that can keep me alive just by being alive himself. That one person that can hold my heart in one hand and my soul in the other.

There is only one problem. None of the wizards my age interest me. I've tried, believe me, I've tried. But they're just too childish, too immature, too unmolded. They don't know who they are or who they want to be. Because of this I have naturally been more attracted to older wizards. Ever since my first year, before I even knew what love meant, before I even wanted a boyfriend.

And it's been a bloody curse, because I've never had a chance with any of them. The only one I ever managed to get as a boyfriend was the Head Boy while I was in my fourth year. It was a good relationship. It lasted for about 5 months and I really loved him. He was kind, funny, sensitive, independent, and he had his own life. Well, there had to be a reason why _he_ was the Head Boy. But most importantly he was an amazing kisser. But he broke it off the last day of school before the summer. He was off to start his life and career and felt it would be difficult to maintain a relationship with someone still in school. I was a mess that summer. But I got over it, eventually.

Apart from him, there had only been crushes. In third year I think I went through the normal school girl crushes on all the handsome older boys. But of course I was too young for them. Then there was the Head Boy in my fourth year. In fifth year there was a guy down in Hogsmeade, he worked in Tomes and Scrolls. He had seemed interested enough when I popped in on the school trips, but it never got past the flirting stage. In sixth year there was nothing exciting at all. So by the time I sat on the train on my way to start my seventh and final year I had given up.

But then there was the start of term feast. And in walked a thin, tired, shabby old man.

At first I didn't quite care for him, other than I wondered how he would be as a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He'd better be excellent as this was my final year. There was a rumour that the Defence Against the Dark Arts position was cursed so that no one lasted longer than a year. It was safe to say that my education in that subject was blotchy. So I hoped this man knew his subject. Though from the look of him he couldn't even save himself from a harmless _Rictusempra_.

First class with him was a Tuesday morning.

I had come in a bit early with my best friend, Tia Clowes, waiting outside the classroom with the rest of our classmates. We were all discussing what we'd heard in the common room Monday night, about how competent he was, how he knew _everything_.

At exactly 9 o'clock he opened the classroom door and let us in. He waited by the door, greeting us one by one. Upon seeing him that much closer I saw that he wasn't as old as I first thought. He had light brown hair flecked with grey, kind light amber eyes. His face was scarred and his robes were old and patched. I frowned at this, but thought it might be evidence that he was a good Defence teacher and had been in his fair share of skirmishes.

Everyone was quickly seated. We all pulled out our books and wands and waited patiently for the man standing behind the front desk to talk. He sat down, pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and began taking attendance.

"Bagley, Alexandra."

"Here."

He looked around to see who had spoken, nodded, and then, with a flourish, ticked off her name. "Clearwater, Penelope."

"Here."

"Clowes, Tia."

"Here."

"Coombs, Cosmo."

"Here."

"Farraday, Niamh."

I raised my hand. "Here." He looked at me, our eyes met. He nodded and then turned away to tick me off.

He quickly went through the rest of the list. After everyone had been accounted for, he stood up. "My name is Remus John Lupin and I am your new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor," he started, pointing his wand at the blackboard, where the chalk jumped up and wrote out his name in a curly, yet simple and tidy script. He stepped out from behind his desk and began walking up and down the aisles while talking. "This is your N.E.W.T year. It will be a hard year, but I will do my best to make it as easy as an N.E.W.T year can possibly be. I was fairly good in this subject myself when I was in school, and I have learned _a lot_ more in the years after."

I looked around as he continued to talk. The entire class of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws were listening intently, following his every move. This promised to be a good year after all. I turned my attention back to the professor.

"I will give you hands on experience with magical creatures and how to defend yourselves against them. I will teach you every defensive spell I know, I will teach you how to duel to save your life, how to survive in any situation you may find yourself in and how to avoid such situations." He had now stopped at the front of the classroom, looking over the crowd. "Any questions?"

Next to me, Tia put her hand up hesitantly.

"Yes, Miss Clowes?"

"How old are you, Professor?"

I snapped my head around to look at her in shock. It didn't look like she was joking, she looked genuinely curious, though blushing furiously.

A chuckle made me turn around again, and I saw Professor Lupin with a smile on his face. It lit up his face and made him look years younger. "Ah yes, I can see how I can be confusing that way. I guess it's no harm in answering. I am 33."

"Oh," Tia said in a long breath.

"Any other questions, related to this subject?"

15 years older than me. That wasn't so much, really. Not in the magical world, where we outlived Muggles at least twice. I couldn't help but think that I was thankful I was born September 2nd, forced to wait an extra year to start Hogwarts, and so a year older than most others in my year.

Why I thought this, I didn't know at the time. But I would soon learn.


	2. Halloween Commotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

The two first months of my seventh year was busy, very busy. It was N.E.W.T.s the upcoming spring and we were already starting to prepare for them. There was some revision, but also lots of new material to learn and master.

Defence Against the Dark Arts turned out to be more than I hoped for. Professor Lupin was an excellent teacher, and word around the school said that everyone else enjoyed his classes. Except for the Slytherins of course. I was feeling very confident about my N.E.W.T. in this subject.

But I was feeling good about my other subjects too. I had always been a reasonably good student, and had prepared myself mentally for this final year. What I wasn't prepared for was the way I was starting to feel about my Defence Against the Dark Arts professor.

It was about halfway through October and in the middle of a Defence class, when I realised it. My attention in class was unusually rapt. I longed for these classes, believing it was because I was desperate to learn from a competent professor. But there was a small smile on my face, I could feel it. According to Tia I had one in every one of his classes. I followed his every move around the classroom, reminding myself of someone obsessed. I froze in shock when I understood what it really meant.

How could this have happened? He was my professor! Teachers and students weren't supposed to have feelings like that for each other.

"Miss Farraday?" A voice reached me through my stupor. "Did you understand my question?"

Shaking my head to snap out of it, I looked up and saw that Professor Lupin was looking strangely at me, and I felt more than saw that the entire class' attention was on me.

"Sorry, Professor. I didn't hear you." I felt a blush creep up my neck.

He looked at me for a couple more seconds. "Are you feeling alright, Miss Farraday?"

"Yes. I just lost my focus for a moment. Can you repeat the question, Professor?"

"How far is the average surface area of the Spiritus Residence Spell?"

"114 yards, 342 feet or 104 metres. But it really depends on the skill of the caster," I answered quickly, knowing the answer very well.

"That's correct, Miss Farraday, though one of the units would have been enough. 10 points to Gryffindor for that." Professor Lupin smiled. It was a smile that made my heartbeat accelerate considerably. I did my best to smile casually back, before he continued asking other students about the Spiritus Residence Spell, a very strong warding spell. Before I knew it I had spaced out again, trying to make sense of what I realised I felt.

After that day I did my best to impress him in class, just to maybe get that smile directed at me again. I had my hand up at every question, and every time he took me up on it I answered as extensively as I could, without reciting too much from the text book of course. I was sure that half of the points rewarded to Gryffindor were because of me.

But I did get that smile, every time I answered. Each one warmed my heart, because it was such a beautiful smile. His eyes lit up and sparkled, he glowed, and his face looked years younger. They were most likely just regular old smiles, but my view of him was very coloured.

...

Halloween came, which meant a day in Hogsmeade, followed by a feast in the Great Hall with entertainment from the ghosts. The feast was brilliant, as usual. Full and sleepy everyone was eventually sent back to their houses for the night. When Tia and I reached the hall with the entrance to Gryffindor Tower, there was a commotion. No one could come in because the Fat Lady, the portrait guarding the entrance, was gone from her frame and the canvas had been destroyed.

A few of the teachers came and found The Fat Lady quickly. She claimed that Sirius Black, the Azkaban escapee, had attacked her. Headmaster Dumbledore ordered everyone to sleep in the Great Hall that night, while the castle was searched.

Professor Lupin was the one given the task to organize the sleeping arrangements. We were sorted by house, year, and then gender, just like in our dormitories, and given sleeping bags that were charmed to be extra soft and warm on the cold stone floor. When he had placed me, Tia and the three other Gryffindor girls in our year, I wanted desperately to keep him from going away.

"Professor?" I asked to get his attention. "Are you sure we are safe here in the Great Hall? I mean, if Sirius Black comes in here he can attack us all at once. If he could kill all those Muggles in one try, I'm sure he'd take out 300 sleeping people easily. If we were spread around, some of us might have the chance to help if he attacked anyone."

"I am absolutely sure you are safe here, Miss Farraday." He gave me one of those wonderful smiles, to reassure me. "There will be a guard at every entrance to the Great Hall, every entrance to the school is being secured as we speak, and the rest of the staff will search every nook and cranny of the castle. I will be one of the guards in here, standing right there." He pointed to the door to the Entrance Hall, just a few feet away from where our sleeping bags were.

I nodded, that would be nice.

"But I am sure you would be able to defend yourselves very well if something were to happen. I think you realise that all the seventh years are placed closest to the door because you are more adept to help in a crisis."

"Of course, Professor," Tia said. "We will help in every way we can."

"Isn't there something we can do now?" I asked.

"We have it all under control. But thank you for the offer. Now, try to get to sleep." He smiled again, before continuing on his way to get the rest of the students to the places they were supposed to be.

I crawled into my sleeping bag, right next to Tia. We chatted for a few minutes to try to calm ourselves. Soon the chatter in the Great Hall died down and Professor Lupin came back to stand by his place at the door, along with Professor Sinistra and Professor Hagrid. Professor Sinistra waved her wand and the lights went out, but the moon shone brightly through the windows and the enchanted ceiling. I settled in my temporary bed and turned to my side, so I was facing Professor Lupin.

The moonlight shone on his scarred face as he looked out over the students trying to sleep. I smiled to myself as I studied him. My feelings for him had grown quickly since I realised I had them. What had first started as a simple crush had become... Well, I wouldn't call it love, but it was definitely more than a crush. I thought about him all the time, my stomach swooped every time I saw him, the smallest smile from him would stupefy my brain, his hoarse voice would send shivers down my spine, even when he recited boring lectures.

He must have noticed that I was watching, because suddenly his eyes met mine. A thrill went through me. I didn't look away. There in the semi darkness, with the threat of mass murderer Sirius Black hanging over us, I felt the bravery Gryffindor was known for.

I smiled. He smiled back.

Thinking he probably only smiled to be nice, I lost my cheer and bravery. I must have looked terribly sad, or even scared, because he frowned and gripped his wand tighter. So I shook my head slightly, to tell him everything was fine. I kept my gaze, now feeling very content, and happy that he had been so ready to help me. I imagined that he would only do so for me, and not the rest of the student body. But I knew he would help them all in a heartbeat, and that just made me like him more.

He held my gaze for a long time, probably wondering why I kept staring. Eventually he looked away, thoughtful. But I never wavered. Eventually my eyes fell shut, Professor Lupin being the last thing I saw before I entered dreamland.


	3. The Four Legged Blur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

Sirius Black had not been found anywhere in the castle, we learned the next day. That was both frightening and comforting at the same time. So life went back to normal at Hogwarts, as normal as it could be. But the job of guarding the Gryffindor common room had now been given to a portrait of a slightly crazy man called Sir Cadogan, and the Dementors that had been stationed around the school because of Sirius Black were now more active. I was very glad that Professor Lupin had promised to teach us the Patronus Charm as soon as possible. It normally wouldn't come up before the third term, but he figured it would be best to do it a bit earlier.

But just a few days after the Halloween tragedy, Professor Lupin disappeared. It wasn't the first time he disappeared from classes; in fact this was the third time since the start of the year. It was worrying me a bit, because he was gone for several days at a time, and rumour had it he was sick each time.

Professor Snape, the Potions master, took over the classes, and he would not say anything about why Professor Lupin was gone. Though he seemed to take great pleasure in the fact that something wasn't right, and was emphasising at lot of what he said, as if he were trying to give us clues.

Luckily we only needed to have Professor Snape for one Defence Against the Dark Arts class this time before Professor Lupin came back. And he began teaching us the Patronus Charm right away.

"So to sum it down, the general idea of a Patronus Charm is to find and hold on to the happiest memory you have while speaking the words _Expecto Patronum_. Any questions?" He stood by the blackboard, where he had drawn a complicated diagram of the charm.

No one raised their hands or spoke up.

"Well, then I suggest we begin practising. If you would all help me clear the room."

Immediately there was a scraping of chairs as everyone stood up, and then scraping of desks as we pushed our desks to the side of the room.

"Now stand with a good distance to your neighbour and start practising."

I found myself in the corner of the room, up by the teacher's desk. I reached deep into my memory bank to find something happy enough. It wasn't easy. Not that I'd had a bad life, in fact it had been very nice. But I had a feeling that any old happy memory wouldn't be enough, I was searching for that world altering happiness.

"Are you having trouble with the spell, Miss Farraday?" Professor Lupin was suddenly standing in front of me, I must have been thinking for longer than I thought.

"No, Professor," I answered. "At least as far as I know, I'm just trying to find a suitable memory."

"May I offer some help?" he asked.

I nodded.

"How about any of your birthdays? Does one of them stand out?"

I looked back, figuratively, at my 18 birthdays, at least the ones I could remember. My fourteenth hadn't been so bad, but that was mainly because the timetable for that day had been filled with my favourite subjects. I chuckled. "It's difficult to find a particularly happy birthday that I can remember since they're always on the first day of the new school year."

"I see. That will be difficult, indeed." He laughed. "Since you are a clever student, how about some academic achievements that made you happy?"

"Other than the Outstanding I got from you on our last essay, I can't say I've been prouder than normal of my schoolwork. I'm sorry if I'm being difficult, Professor." I smiled as sweetly as I managed. I wasn't sorry at all; being difficult kept him by my side.

"Oh, that's no bother, Miss Farraday. What about Christmases, or other holidays or major events in you and your family's life?"

"Well," I drew the word out, "I felt quite happy when my parents decided to get rebonded five year ago. But that was more for their sake than for mine, so that doesn't count, does it?"

"It might be enough to create a Patronus, but it might not be strong enough to ward off a Dementor long enough for you to get away. But keep thinking, just don't take too long. Try out some memories, they might give you an idea about what you need. And who knows? You might be powerful enough to manage without an extremely powerful memory."

"I'll try, Professor. Thank you," I said genuinely and smiled, looking into his amber eyes. He went on his way, but not before he had gently placed a hand on my shoulder for reassurance. I gasped, it was the first time he had touched me, and it had sent fire through my body. The temperature rose with a 100 degrees, and the exact shape of his hand still burned on me, burned through my school robes, through my sweater and shirt and skin, burned right on the nerves beneath.

For a few moments I couldn't focus on anything than the imprint his hand had left.

An excited yelp forced me back to reality. Turning towards the source of the sound I saw that one of the boys had managed to produce a Patronus. Oliver Wood stared in amazement at the white wispy form of what could only be a Golden Snidget. It flew happily around Oliver's head, before it vanished.

"Excellent, Mr Wood! 30 points to Gryffindor," Professor Lupin called out. "May I ask what kind of memory you chose? It might help the others."

Oliver looked stunned. "I-I only thought about the way I feel when I'm up flying on my broom."

The rest of us laughed. It was no secret that Oliver was fanatic about Quidditch, and of course his Patronus was the bird originally used as a Snitch, and of course it took strength from something that had to do with Quidditch.

"Very good, Mr Wood," Professor Lupin repeated as he started walking around the classroom again to correct and give instructions.

I went back into myself and thought. Deciding that I would go for the memory of my parents' rebonding, I prepared myself. I let the wonderful fact that my parents loved each other so incredibly much, and the feeling of how lucky I was to have that as a life guide, fill me up completely. I smiled confidently and spoke clearly: " _Expecto Patronum!_ "

Some kind of white light erupted from my wand, but it didn't resemble anything other than a cloud on the sky, and it faded very quickly.

I huffed, disappointed in myself.

I kept trying for the rest of the period. Different memories, but all with the same result, a white cloud of light, and nothing near corporeal. Professor Lupin eventually dismissed the class, with a word about how we were doing very well. It was extremely rare for someone to produce a Patronus that looked like something on the first try, and though Oliver had done remarkably well, it wasn't fully corporeal yet.

...

We kept practising the Patronus Charm for two more weeks. Thankfully I had improved greatly. The memory that gave me the most success was from the Christmas holiday in sixth year, when I had finally been allowed to arrange candles and the rest of the decorations on our Christmas tree. I had begged and begged for this for years, but I wasn't allowed until I became of age. It was a wonderful feeling to finally be able to do magic outside of school, and even though I spent five hours trying to make the tree perfect, it was worth it. It had never looked more beautiful.

My Patronus wasn't corporeal though. I could barely make out the shape of it. Professor Lupin and Tia had spent a good 20 minutes of one class trying to determine what it was, while I kept casting until my hair was damp with sweat. They had narrowed it down to a panther, some kind of dog, or a pony. The only thing they agreed on was that it had four legs.

I hung back after class one time, to ask Professor Lupin why I couldn't make a corporeal one with the powerful memory I had chosen. He thought for a moment, sitting on top of his desk. "I'm not sure. It may be that the memory isn't as powerful as you think, but it could also be that you're not done developing the part of yourself that would define your Patronus. I'm not saying you are immature or anything, I'm just saying that you may not have found that part of yourself yet. You may never find it, or you may find it as you walk out this door. It's something we can't control."

"Is it our personality that helps define the Patronus? Or our soul? Or what it is?" I sat down by the desk closest to him.

"There are many theories on that, and none that have been proven. Because each person is unique, and each Patronus is born from something different, no one has been able to find out exactly what drives a Patronus. But I believe it is our soul. Personality can change from one week to another, depending on what the person is going through. Yes, the Patronus can change too, but only if one has gone through something extremely emotional. This suggests that it is the soul that it's tied to. Because it takes something very powerful to make an impact on our souls and the same goes for the change of Patronus. Does this make sense to you?"

"Yes, it does actually, very much." I gazed out the window for a few seconds. "So it's the soul. I guess there's not much I can do about it then, except wait and hope everything falls into place."

"I think that's the only thing you can do, yes." He stood up. "Remember that some people never get the hang of the Patronus, so don't let this get you down. I'm confident that you will see your true form one day."

The way he said that last sentence, and the way he looked at me when he said it, made me very grateful that I was still sitting. Otherwise my knees would have failed me. "Th-thank you, Professor," I managed to croak out through my stupefied thoughts. "I-I hope you're right."

"Now, I think dinner should be served about now."

I stood up, surprised that my legs held my weight. "Yeah, maybe I'll find something to complete my soul among the food."

Professor Lupin laughed. It was infectious and I joined in.

We walked to the Great Hall together. It felt so natural to walk alongside him like that, talking about weather and nonsense, instead of theories and schoolwork. I only wished it would have lasted longer, we reached the Great Hall too soon for my liking.


	4. Commandeering Offices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

November went and December came. Almost as if it had been planned by the weather gods, the insane rain that had been pouring down for ages switched instantly to snow on December 1st. And it didn't stop. It snowed nearly all day every day, and by the time Christmas came around, the white masses outside were so high that only the top of the windows on the ground floor were visible.

I had decided to stay at Hogwarts this Christmas. I wrote my parents early in December saying I wanted to stay because it was my last year, and that Tia had decided to stay too, so I wouldn't be lonely. Of course that was part of the reason, but I conveniently left out that I wanted to stay because of Professor Lupin.

Term finished and almost the entire student body went home. Tia and I did our holiday homework during the first few days and then lazed about the rest of the time before Christmas Day.

On Christmas Eve Tia decided she had something she needed to talk to me about. We were in the Gryffindor common room, by the crackling fireplace. I was quietly humming carols to myself while reading a book.

"I was just wondering," Tia started, her brows furrowed in thought. "I don't exactly know how to say this..."

"Go on," I pressed. "I can take it."

"I've noticed something. Do you-" She sighed. "Do you fancy Professor Lupin?"

My eyes bulged in surprise, I had not expected _this_.

"I don't even know why I asked, of course you do. It's obvious."

"It's obvious? What do you mean?" I asked desperately. I didn't want everyone to know, he could get sacked if anyone suspected something was going on between us.

Tia understood my horror. "I don't mean it's obvious to everyone. But I know you very well, and I can see it in the way you look at him and the way you're trying so hard in class. Are you trying to impress him by acting so clever?"

"Are you saying I'm not clever?"

"No, you are clever. Just not that clever, and you don't usually flaunt it like that."

"Yes, well, it's working isn't it?" I smirked. "He's said it himself that I'm very clever. And he always smiles so sweetly every time I answer a question. Not to mention all the points I get for Gryffindor!"

"I'm grateful for the points, but don't give me any details, please, Niamh!" Tia cringed. "It's strange enough that you fancy him, he's old! And he's a teacher!"

"I know," I said quietly. "I was just as shocked as you when I realised what I was feeling. But you know I've always been attracted to older wizards. And what's 15 years between two people really?"

"When you're only 18, it's a lot. If you'd been 25 or 30 it would be different."

I shrugged, it didn't matter to me. Feeling this way for Professor Lupin felt normal, safe and not the least bit strange or negative. "I can't help the way I feel, Tia."

She sighed, her eyes closed. She opened her eyes again and looked straight into mine, her face very serious. "Just don't do anything stupid. It would risk both his job and your place as a student here. They might not allow you to take the N.E.W.Ts."

"I promise." I took her hand. "I'm not going to jeopardise anything for either of us."

...

Tia seemed satisfied with our conversation on Christmas Eve, because she did not mention it or my feelings for Professor Lupin at all after that. Nor did she pretend that the conversation had found place.

I did not know what to make of this. Was she that disgusted with what I had confided in her? Or did she not care? She was my best friend, and I knew she would support me no matter what, but I still wanted her blessing. Not that the situation were in a position that would need blessings to be granted, but I couldn't help but hope it one day would be.

Christmas Day, Boxing Day and the third day of Christmas went by without much happening. But on the fourth day, I decided I wanted to take a walk on my own. I left Tia and the handful of other students in the common room to stroll lazily around the empty school.

I enjoyed some solitude from time to time. Being surrounded by people all the time took its toll on you. Besides, walking around like this, without a target, was excellent for daydreaming. My imagination had always been very well developed, so it's safe to say I was a skilled daydreamer. I went through several vivid scenes in my mind, and was soon oblivious to the cold air in the hallways.

When I grew tired of walking, I found a wide window sill on the second floor, sat down and gazed out at the snow filled grounds. I was completely lost in thought when I heard someone clear their throat near me.

I whipped my head around and saw Professor Lupin, an amused expression on his face. "Hello, Miss Farraday."

I felt a furious blush creep up from my neck and colour my entire face, it felt like it coloured my hair red as well. The object of my daydreaming was standing right there. "P-professor! H-hi!" I stammered stupidly.

His amused expression grew at my obvious embarrassment. "What are you doing out here?"

"What are _you_ doing here?" My defensive side kicked in without thought. "Sir," I added as an afterthought.

"My office is right down the hall." He turned and pointed.

"Oh," I breathed.

"You didn't answer my question."

"What? Oh, I just wanted some time to myself, so I've been wandering the castle. It's nice now that it's so empty." I turned around on the window sill, letting my feet dangle off the edge.

"I know what you mean. This place can get quite crowded."

"At least you have your office to hide in, all I have are thin curtains around my bed."

"That's true. I'm lucky," he smiled victoriously, but his eyes were teasing.

"Would you mind if I commandeered your office when I needed to? Without you in it of course, or the purpose would be gone." That last part was a lie, as I wanted very much to be alone with him in his locked office.

"I wouldn't mind at all, as long as you didn't break any school rules." His eyes were still sparkling mischievously.

"Darn, you got me there, Professor. I am pretty sure the school rules would discourage kidnapping of offices."

"I happen to know that there isn't something specific about that in the school rules." He now sat down next to me by the window. I could hardly hear what he was saying over the heartbeat in my head. "I know, because I read them while I was in school."

"You read all the school rules? Not voluntarily I hope?" I gaped at him. I had seen the rule book in the library, and it was the biggest book I had ever seen. The type was very small, the pages thin and it had to weigh at least 20 pounds. "I can hardly lift it!"

"I had to, didn't I? I was a prefect."

"Then you have to know about all the loopholes?" I was feeling brave now, because I really shouldn't ask a professor about that.

"If I did, I shouldn't be telling you about them, should I?"

That smile of his was blinding me. Instead of showing how it affected me, I tried to look disappointed by the fact that he wouldn't tell me about the school rules.

His smile then turned serious. "If you ever need to though, get away or talk to someone that is, my office is always open. It's my job as your professor, after all."

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

"As long as you don't commandeer my office when I let you in, of course." The smile was back.

"I promise," I said, looking straight into his amber eyes. There must have been something in my tone or my face, because he frowned and looked away.

We were quiet for a few moments. Then he sighed. "I have to go. I need to plan a few lessons and there are some essays that won't grade themselves no matter how many times I order them to. Don't stay out here too long, Miss Farraday, it's cold." He quickly touched my knee, stood up and walked down the hall.

I was so caught off guard I couldn't even say goodbye to him. I just sat there, mouth open, breathing ragged, feeling the burn of his long gone hand. Just like that time in class, when he touched my shoulder.

There were many long minutes before I had enough rational thoughts to realise I should be getting back to the common room. It was almost dinner time, and I wanted to change into something a bit warmer.

As I stood up, my legs were numb. I leaned on the wall for a moment, and they began prickling. Very unsteady on my feet, I made my way up the stairs to the seventh floor and the Gryffindor Tower.


	5. Vibrations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

New Years Eve was celebrated by a grand dinner in the Great Hall for the students and staff members that were there. Headmaster Dumbledore had arranged for the enchanted ceiling to let loose a shower of fireworks at the stroke of midnight, instead of setting loose a show outside in the cold. It was very much appreciated.

After that Tia and I did some finishing touches on our homework and waited for the rest of the students to come back. On Sunday there was an incredible change in sound through Hogwarts as everyone came back, and on Monday the second term began.

There was a noticeable increase in work for us seventh years. There was slowly more revision, and we were learning even more advanced spells, transfigurations and charms. Professor Lupin also introduced more demanding creatures to defend ourselves against and he taught us very advanced wards, protection charms and attack spells. He was preparing us for the duelling part of our curriculum.

There was something different about him though, now after Christmas. I couldn't quite put my wand on it, but _something_ had changed. I liked it. It was almost as if there was something humming in the air around him. Vibrating.

I could feel it each time he passed me in class, walking among the desks, lecturing or instructing. I was wondering if anyone else could feel it. Not that I would dare ask anyone, not even Tia.

This vibration in what I realised must be his aura only increased as January went by. It was now so strong that someone _must_ have noticed it. But as I looked around in class, no one even twitched an extra muscle as he passed them. So I figured I had to be the only one feeling it.

I had a limited knowledge about auras and magical boundaries within magical beings, so I did not know what it meant. And as much as I wanted to research it, I didn't have time. I settled with just watching Professor Lupin, and trying to see what I could feel when he was near.

One day I had a chance to inspect more closely. Professor Lupin had dismissed us, and everyone was packing up quickly, dinner was next.

"Miss Farraday, could you stay behind? There is something I would like to discuss with you," he said quietly from behind his desk. My place was at the front near him, so I heard him.

"Sure, Professor."

"I'll save a seat for you at dinner," Tia said as she left.

I sat down in my chair again, resting my arms on my bag on top of the desk. As discreetly as possible I watched Professor Lupin, my heartbeat speeding up as I did. My heart always beat faster when he was near, and the sight of him would sometimes leave me frightened for my health. Which meant I was always a bit tired after Defence Against the Dark Arts, wearing myself out just by being near him.

Finally the last dawdler left. Professor Lupin waved his hand and the door shut quietly. He looked up at me, meeting my eyes, holding them in his gaze for a few seconds.

"What did you want to talk to me about, Sir?" I asked as his gaze became too much to bear.

"It's about your Patronus. I haven't been able to stop myself from thinking about it when I have a spare moment. So I'm just curious, have you made any progress with it?"

"To be honest," I blushed, "I haven't practised as much as I suppose I should."

His eyebrows rose at this, but I could see that he wasn't angry.

"I've been very busy, Professor. But I have remembered to try it a couple of times in the dormitories."

"And have there been any changes in it?"

"As far as I can tell, no." I sighed, I really wanted my Patronus to work properly. Not only so I could protect myself from the Dementors that guarded the school, but also because I was curious about the form and I certainly did not like the idea that my soul might not be whole.

"Do you think you could try it now?" He looked expectantly at me. Apparently he was as curious as me.

"Of course." I stood up and got out my wand. Stepping away from the desks, and therefore closer to Professor Lupin, I could feel the hum around him increase. I took a couple of seconds to let it wash over me, before I brandished my wand, conjured the memory of that Christmas in sixth year and spoke clearly: " _Expecto Patronum!_ "

Out from my wand shot a mist of white light, twisting and turning quickly to make a shape. Once it was done, the four legged creature hopped happily around me a few times before vanishing.

"I still can't make out what it is. It's too... blurry in the edges, if that makes sense." Professor Lupin looked thoughtful, his eyes still on the spot where my Patronus vanished.

"Did you recognise it, Professor?"

He seemed to have forgotten I was there, because he started and then looked back at me. "I don't think so." He drew out the words, still looking very thoughtful. "Can you conjure it again?"

Quickly I focused, waved my wand and spoke the charm. Once again this blurry creature formed and hopped around.

"Can you try to make it stand still? Communicate with it in your head."

_Stand still, please_ , I thought and felt some kind of magic rush between me and the Patronus. Immediately it stopped hopping and turned its head towards me. _Sit_ , I tried. It sat.

"Wow," I breathed.

Professor Lupin was staring at my Patronus, transfixed. His eyes squinting and opening, again and again. Then it suddenly vanished.

I sat down, the hum only a faint buzz, waiting for him to speak. It took a few minutes.

"Well, it certainly isn't a pony." He chuckled. "It is definitely clearer than I was, but I'm still not sure." His eyes wouldn't meet mine. He hid something from me.

"Why is it just a little bit clearer and not fully corporeal?" Not the question I wanted to ask.

"Maybe you're closer to finding whatever it is you need to find, but not completely there yet." He stood up and walked around the desk, I could feel the vibrations again.

"Maybe," I said quietly, taking it all in, my eyes unconsciously closing. I could not make sense of what the magic around him was. It wasn't bad, far from it. It felt nice, safe, comforting, but I had no idea what it was.

Suddenly I heard Professor Lupin make strange sound, a strangled sound. I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me, something strange in his eyes. My breath hitched and I felt something tighten in my chest. "P-professor?" I asked, timidly.

He blinked. "Well, keep working on your Patronus if you find the time. I will teach you all how to communicate with it and send messages soon. You better get down to dinner." He was speaking very quickly, while he stepped away and behind his desk again, almost as if hiding behind a shield.

"O-okay, Sir. See you in class tomorrow." I grabbed my bag and went for the door. He didn't reply to my goodbye. I glanced behind me before closing the door. He was sitting again, leaning back, his eyes closed and a frown on his face.

I made a mental note to work very hard on my Patronus.


	6. Disappearing and Duelling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

The next couple of days I practised my Patronus like Professor Lupin requested. As far as I could tell, there was no improvement. I didn't understand why he needed me to practise it, he said it was only if I found the thing that my soul was missing that I would produce a corporeal Patronus. But I did what he said, every day.

The upcoming Saturday I decided to give up the Patronus work. The girls in my dorm were pretty tired of the blurry white animal that pranced around their beds. Besides, Gryffindor was playing Ravenclaw in Quidditch and I wanted to catch the game.

It was a very good match, except towards the end of the game when a few Slytherins dressed up as Dementors sneaked into the stands. The Gryffindor Seeker, Harry Potter, sent an excellent Patronus their way and caught the Snitch, all in one breath. He really was an excellent player.

That night, after a small celebration in the common room, there was another breach in school security. In the middle of the night the entire Gryffindor Tower was woken up by a commotion in the boys' dormitories. We all went down to the common room to find out what was going on. Our head of house, Professor McGonagall, was already there. Apparently Sirius Black had been in the third year boys' dorm and he had tried to kill Ron Weasley. Once this was announced, the entire common room became quiet as the grave. I felt Tia step closer to me on the right, grabbing my arm.

Professor McGonagall went outside to question the portrait of Sir Cadogan. Sure enough, he had let a man in, because he had recited all the passwords from several weeks back. Apparently another third year, Neville Longbottom, had written them down on a piece of parchment and then lost that parchment.

I stared at the boy in question, what on earth had gone through his head when he decided to write down the passwords?

The castle was to be searched again, but thankfully we didn't have to spend the night in the Great Hall. Though I wouldn't have minded if Professor Lupin would take care of the sleeping arrangements again.

We were kept in our common rooms for now, with the head of house guarding each common room. While everyone was dozing off at interval, Filch the Caretaker had replaced Sir Cadogan with the Fat Lady. I watched carefully from a couch in the common room. She seemed to still be scared, but I saw her jaw was tight in determination. No one was a better guard for our Tower than her.

An hour later we were all woken up by the portrait hole opening and Professor Lupin climbing through. I straightened up and rubbed sleep out of my eyes.

"The search is now complete." His voice carried out through the room. "The bad news is that we couldn't find Sirius Black, but the good news is that there is no one in the castle that shouldn't be here."

Murmurs and whispers broke out.

"That sneaky little..." I heard Tia mutter to herself. I turned around to her. "He just slips away right under our noses every bloody time. Can't the Dementor sense him? They're here just for him! Damn it!" Tia didn't swear very often, so when she did, it always blew my head off.

"I know," I whispered sadly. It was not fun to know that Sirius Black could sneak into the school and into a dormitory without _anyone_ noticing. Wasn't Hogwarts supposed to be the safest place in Britain?

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and everyone fell silent. "You can all go back to bed now and try to get some sleep. We will keep extra guard tonight, so you can sleep without fear. If anyone should need a Sleeping Draught, I will leave a few vials with your prefects."

And with that she swept out of the room, Professor Lupin following her. I gazed longingly after him, wanting to ask him about the search. I was feeling a bit scared, and I needed him to tell me personally that everything was safe.

But before I could open my mouth, the portrait had swung shut and he was gone.

...

After this there was added security around Gryffindor Tower. A security troll had been placed outside to guard the Fat Lady. I couldn't understand why none of the other houses needed extra guards. It was not fun having to be approved by a troll every time you wanted to enter the common room.

Something even less fun was when Professor Lupin once again disappeared. We had to have Professor Snape in two Defence Against the Dark Arts classes before Professor Lupin returned.

I was starting to get really worried and curious about this. Each time he came back he was extremely tired, he gave very little homework, we rarely did anything practical and it was often revision in those classes.

This time he had us revise dangerous creatures. He'd gotten a large collection of books from the library for us to use, along with his own private collection. At the end of the class we had to hand in a list of all the creatures we had gone through since first year, and give a short description and a short explanation of how to get away alive.

Thinking he had gone a little bit mental in his time away, I set to work. I hurried to get the best books from the stacks in the front of the classroom and started making a list of the creatures I could remember. Then I magically added space between each creature and began researching them, after writing down what I could remember myself.

When the class was over, I was pretty sure I had managed to get most of the creatures down on the list. I was deliberately slow with my packing, and by the time I went up to Professor Lupin's desk to hand in my parchment, only Tia was left waiting for me by the door.

"I expect you did well, Miss Farraday." Professor Lupin smiled tiredly as he put my scroll at the top of the large pile.

"I hope so, Sir." I had a question I wanted to ask him. I opened my mouth; "I was-" I chickened out.

He looked questioningly at me, waiting for me to finish.

"I... Well, I was just wondering... Are you feeling alright, Professor?" I finally asked.

A tired smile spread across his lips. The constant hum I felt around him increased slightly. "Yes, I'm alright. I am just a little bit tired, thank you. I was a bit sick for a few days, so I'm just lacking energy right now."

"Okay. I've just noticed you get sick quite often. If there is anything I can do to help you out, let me know."

"Oh, I think I can manage. But thank you for the offer, Miss Farraday. I can't possibly take you away from your studies in your N.E.W.T year. I do believe you have enough on your schedule."

"It's really no problem, Professor. Besides, the easier things are for you, the more energy you have left to give us even better lectures."

He chuckled. "I suppose that is true. I will let you know if I need any help."

"Okay, feel better, Sir!" I turned and left, but not before throwing him one of my loveliest smiles.

...

Weeks went by, February turned into March and winter was officially gone. We had learned to communicate with our Patronuses and how to send messages with them. I was pleased to find out that my vague form acted very much like a properly corporeal Patronus. I had even managed to send a message with it.

Now we went into duelling. Those were very interesting classes. We had been briefed very lightly in the subject before, but we hadn't practised actual duelling before. We were teamed up two and two and were only allowed to do harmless spells, but whatever shielding we wanted to.

Tia and I paired up for the first lesson. I would never do anything to hurt her, but watching her fall under my _Tarantallegra_ was incredibly entertaining. I almost fell over from laughing at her uncontrollable legs.

"Very good, Miss Farraday," I suddenly heard Professor Lupin say behind me. I nearly choked at the nearness of him, his voice in my ear and the hum around him. " _Finite Incantatem_ , before she gets too out of control." He pointed his wand at Tia. She stopped her crazy dance, and leaned her hands on her knees to catch her breath and calm down.

Professor Lupin walked around me and looked between us. "Now, Miss Clowes, let me see you attack Miss Farraday. And you Miss Farraday use the _Horribilis_ version of the Shield Charm."

We both nodded and got into position.

" _Locomotor Mortis!_ " Tia cried out and whipped her wand.

Before I was even able to open my mouth to protect myself, I felt my legs stick together and I nearly lost my balance. While forcing myself to stand upright I called out: " _Protego Horribilis!_ "

" _Stupefy!_ " Tia cast another spell towards me. She was quick.

" _Impedimenta!_ "

" _Petrificus Totalus!_ " This one got through my shield, and I felt myself stiffen and fall to the ground.

"Very good, Miss Clowes," I heard Professor Lupin say. " _Finite Incantatem._ " This time his wand was pointed at me.

I felt the stiffness go, and tried to get up. A pale hand was suddenly in my field of vision. After a quick moment of hesitation I took it. It was rough, warm and big, and felt incredibly good around my small soft one. I could feel its warmth travel up my arm, the buzzing very loud and clear in both my ears and my aura. Professor Lupin pulled me up. When he let go, the buzzing decreased again to the hum I had gotten used to, and I felt cold. I coughed to hide my reaction, and looking at my professor he seemed a little flustered too.

"If you twist your hand a little bit more when you cast that particular Shield Charm, Miss Farraday, it will be stronger." He avoided my eyes. "Like this." And then he waved his wand in the more correct fashion.

I tried to copy him.

"No no, like this." Now he took my wand hand, held it straight and bent it slightly upwards.

I could hardly breathe. His touch was so incredibly gentle, yet very firm. If someone cast a Stunner at me, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

"Got it?" he asked and let me go quickly.

"I-I think so," I managed to say. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

"Try again." He stepped away from the line of fire.

I looked at Tia. She looked at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and then nodded to signal that I was ready.

" _Obscuro!_ "

I was quicker this time and had my shield up long before the jet of light from her wand reached me. It hit the shield and vanished.

We sent a few more spells back and forth, my shield still holding. Finally I called out: " _Stupefy!_ "

Tia fell to the floor. Before Professor Lupin got around to reviving her, I said: " _Ennervate._ " She woke and stood up.

"Excellent work, both of you. Continue." With that he left to assist someone else.

I stood in silence for a moment, thinking about what had just happened. Was he as affected by my presence as I was of his? Could I be so lucky?

Suddenly I felt my wand fly out of my hand. I snapped around to Tia, who held it in her hand, a triumphant smile on her face. "Hey!" I called out to her. "Not fair!"


	7. Exploring Vibrations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

I could not get the memory of Professor Lupin holding my hand out of my head. It was driving me insane. At night I used to lie in bed and stare amazingly at my open hand, the hand he held. And if I pretended hard enough, I could still feel him holding it.

What was more amazing was that he had seemed to get quite affected by the skin contact too. To me he had seemed flustered. He had avoided eye contact with me, perhaps to hide something?

And there was that vibration in the air around him. I was now completely sure that I was the only one feeling it, because it got stronger the closer he was, and it was very powerful when we touched. If it had been the same with anyone else, I would have noticed it when he directed other students by touching and guiding their hands and posture. I had not seen anyone looking at him oddly or anyone asking about it. So I decided that I would.

At Christmas he had said that if I ever needed to get away from everything or talk to someone, I could come to him. So one Sunday I had managed to summon all the courage I needed, excused myself from the common room and went in search of his office.

I had never been in the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor's office. But after finding that window Professor Lupin and I sat in that day during Christmas, it wasn't difficult to find the door with his name on it. I took a deep breath, and knocked.

Almost immediately Professor Lupin opened the door. He looked quite different without his teaching robes on. He had light brown tweed pants, a grey shirt and a brown cardigan that was clearly home knitted. The pants were patched in the knees, and you could see that the cardigan was very well used. But somehow, he pulled off the shabby look very well.

"Miss Farraday!" He looked surprised to see me, but stepped aside and opened the door all the way. "Do come in. What can I do for you? Do you have any questions about our duelling this week?"

I stepped inside and took in the room. Shelves full of books covered one of the walls, from floor to ceiling. There was a tank with a grindylow by one of the other walls, a chest that was shaking slightly, and other creatures I recognized, small and large, waiting docile in their tanks or cages to be used in classes. In front of a tall window at the back of the room was a desk, filled with rolls of parchment, quills and ink bottles. By the bookcases was a small table with a teapot and several cups. Around the table were two very comfy looking chairs. I liked it, it felt safe and warm.

"Please, have a seat." Professor Lupin motioned for one of the brown leather chairs.

I sat down on the edge, watching him sitting down in the opposite one.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you?" I asked, looking at all the papers on his desk.

"No no no." He waved his hands. "I welcome an excuse to take a break." He smiled at me.

My heartbeat started racing again. "You said I could come here if I needed to talk to someone."

"I did. I'm guessing this is not about class?"

I nodded, staring down at my hands, folded in my lap.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, please," I whispered. I was losing my courage. How on earth could I talk to him about this?

While pretending to be very interested in my fingernails, I saw him in the corner of my eye, magically filling the teapot with water and boiling it up. I couldn't help but turn my head, so I could watch his hands work with pouring it into two cups, adding tea bags, stirring.

"Here," he said, holding one of the cups out for me.

I looked up, meeting his amber eyes, feeling a small blush cover my face. "Thank you." I took a firm hold of it, letting it warm my hands.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping the tea. I could taste caramel and honeybush. It was delicious.

"Have you enjoyed the duelling lessons?" Professor Lupin suddenly asked.

I turned to him, letting my hands rest the teacup in my lap, still sitting at the edge of the seat. "Yes, very much. I think we're all grateful to learn proper duelling."

"Good."

I tried to summon my courage again. "Uh, Professor, I've wanted to ask you..." I hesitated. "There's something I've noticed, and I don't quite understand it."

When I didn't say anything else, he urged me on. "What is it, Miss Farraday?"

I tried to look into his eyes again, but found that I couldn't. So I focused on a spot behind him, forcing myself to speak. "I've felt this kind of hum, or vibration or something, in the air around me, whenever you are a couple of feet away from me. It seems to be coming from you. It doesn't feel like it's a bad hum, quite the opposite really, but I don't understand it. What is it?" I was rambling now.

My eyes didn't waver from the spot in the bookshelf behind Professor Lupin. And he didn't say anything. I was too afraid to check his reaction. I didn't know why I felt so self-conscious, but I did.

Eventually Professor Lupin spoke: "A hum?"

Out of habit I looked at him. "Yes. Whenever you are near enough."

"Like now?"

I nodded slowly, closed my eyes and let it wash over me. "What is it?" I whispered.

"I'm not quite sure," he said just as softly. "Have you felt anything like it before?"

My eyes opened again, and I finally looked him in the eyes. "Never."

He had a look in his eyes that made my insides squirm in delight. His amber eyes stared into mine, was I mistaken if I saw longing there? With slightly shaking hands he put his teacup on the table between us. Then he stood up and walked to the other side of the room.

Without him having to say anything, I understood what he wanted to know. "It's gone now. When you are behind the desk in the classroom, and I sit at the front desk, is the furthest away I think."

Slowly he stepped closer. After five steps I gasped. It was vibrating furiously now, more than ever. "There it is," I said breathlessly. "It's strong now, stronger than it's ever been I think. It's really getting to me."

"I can't believe this," he muttered. "How is it getting to you?"

"It's nothing bad. It just feels warm, safe, pleasant, and... Well, something else. It's kind of overwhelming. What does it all mean?" I could hardly say that I was also getting quite turned on by it.

He sat down in the chair again. "I don't think it's anything you need to worry about. Clearly it's just the magic in one of us acting out."

Yeah right. I raised my eyebrow at him disbelievingly. "From the way you reacted when I told you, I hardly believe that." Somehow I found courage in the unbelievable vibrations from him, the same vibrations that made me weak at the knees.

I saw his jaws tighten, and his voice was detached. "Whatever it is, it's nothing we can do anything about now."

"Please, Sir, I need to understand." I begged, trying to let it shine through my eyes how much I really needed to know.

"Please, Miss Farraday, I think you should leave now. I need to get back to my paperwork." He stood up and walked towards the door, signalling that this was the end of the conversation.

Defeated and dejected I put down the tea I had only taken one swallow of, stood up and walked over to Professor Lupin. He had not yet opened the door, even if he said he wanted me to leave. His eyes were stormy and thoughtful at the same time, burning into my own. "Please, Professor Lupin," I whispered, so close now I had to look up slightly to meet his eyes. I was swimming in this 'magic out of control', letting it fuel my daring.

He looked almost desperate now, but his entire being was also shaking slightly, as if he was controlling himself, holding something back. "I'm sorry, Miss Farraday, but I have work that needs to be done before classes tomorrow. I'll see you in class on Tuesday, I expect you to deliver an excellent essay on duelling traditions." His voice was hoarser than usual and cracking slightly.

I sighed. "Okay, Professor. I'll see you on Tuesday, excellent essay included." I reached for the door handle, but his hand was on it and his body was covering the rest of the door. "Professor Lupin, if you want me to leave, I'm going to need to get to the other side of that door."

His head spun to the handle, to me, and to the handle again. "Of course. Sorry." He quickly retreated and left it to me to open the door.

With heavy footsteps I stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind me.

I took my time to get back to Gryffindor Tower, thinking all the way. I didn't have much experience in knowing when a boy, or man in this case, was interested in me. But I was fairly sure that Professor Lupin wasn't entirely uncaring about me, apart from the care he had for the rest of his students.

Magic out of control. Right. It might be some truth in it, but seriously. If someone's magic really was out of control I was sure that Headmaster Dumbledore, or even the Ministry, would know about it and take action immediately. It had to be a part of his, or even my or both, magic that was leaking for some reason. And the leaking magic of one was somehow linked to the other.

Something linked me to Professor Lupin.

I loved the thought of that. I felt so warm and excited inside I had to turn around and see if he was following me. It was the exact same sensations as when he was near. But he was nowhere to be seen.

I now both looked forward to and dreaded Defence Against the Dark Arts on Tuesday.


	8. The Beast Next Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

That essay on duelling traditions earned me an Outstanding. I was very proud of myself, and I hoped that Professor Lupin really appreciated all the work I had put in to that essay. After seeing him in his office that weekend I had gone back and edited the essay. I was already finished of course, but I wanted to make it better, so I worked well into the night. When I handed it in it was 10 inches longer and good enough to be published in _Defensive Digest_ , if I may say so myself.

We had now moved on to nonverbal duelling. I wasn't doing so well with that, but since nonverbal magic wasn't _required_ to leave Hogwarts with good grades there was no need to have extra tutoring.

Professor Lupin didn't act any different since he made me leave his office. I had been afraid he might be cold or indifferent or stop calling on me when I raised my hand. But he was completely normal, I still received those heart stopping smiles and he still buzzed around me.

Easter was closing in and the revision was starting to take over everything. Only two more months before the exams of a lifetime. Every day I was going through a new subject in a new class, everything from first year to seventh year, along with all the rest of my homework.

It was tiring me out, and I was becoming quite cranky. The only time I felt truly calm and happy was in Defence Against the Dark Arts. So on this particular Thursday at the end of March I decided I would revise nothing but that subject. I was sitting with Tia and a few other seventh years in the library, each of us working on a different subject, but pitching in whenever someone needed help.

I was now looking through the revision essay Professor Lupin had us do a while back, on all the magical creatures we've had in class. I used the essay as a reference list, and was doing a more extensive research on every creature. For the next creature on my list I was ploughing through _Do You Know The Beast Next Door_.

With each list item I wrote down, characteristics and defensive measures, I became more and more stunned. It all made sense, every little thing I had just written down. I knew where to find this creature.

I couldn't believe it! But it all made sense, so it had to be true.

"Penelope." I turned to the girl across from me at the table. "You know your way around here well, right?"

The Ravenclaw girl nodded.

"Can you help me find books on lycanthropy?"

"Sure, but why? Isn't it enough with the text books you already have?"

"No, I- I just need more books, you understand, right? Help me?"

Penelope nodded again and stood up, a few other people at the table looking strangely at me. But I didn't care. I had no find out more.

Penelope walked me through the library, finding every book I needed. After just five minutes I had a stack of books in my arms that I could hardly look over, not to mention carry. We got back to the table and I systematically began going through everything these books had to say about werewolves.

Most of it wasn't fun. It described how vicious and bloodthirsty they were. How every one of them was dangerous and had been cast away from society. While the beast in them were out only once a month, the humans weren't really any better. They were short tempered, aggressive and distrustful.

I already knew all of this of course. I had grown up knowing that werewolves were among the deadliest creatures out there. I had learned it both in Defence Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures that werewolves were not creatures one wanted to be associated with, unless you wished to die painfully or become a shunned monster yourself.

I read until curfew. I had forgotten all about revision. When Tia asked if I wanted to come back to the common room or just stay in the library and be caught out after hours, I didn't even remember there were other people around me.

I only had a couple of books left to read, so I checked them out and continued in the dormitories later. One of the books had nothing new to tell me, so I opened the last book; _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_. This book was written by an anonymous werewolf, about their own life and struggles with the inner monster.

It was heart wrenching. This person wrote of loneliness, of being an outcast. Friends abandoning him, family staying in touch only out of fear he'd turn them. Never being able to hold a decent job, living from pay check to pay check or on the charity of others. Being frowned upon when walking down the street, mothers turning their children away from him.

He wrote about how his heart ached for nearness, for someone to look upon him without disgust. All about how he locked himself up every full moon, about the incredible pain of his transformations. Bones reforming, body changing, hair sprouting out of his skin, all his human senses vanishing and knowing nothing but the hunger for raw flesh. Transforming back without any memory whatsoever of the night, seeing only blood and wounds all over his body. Hating and fearing himself.

It was 4 in the morning when I finished the book, and my tears were falling freely and uncontrollably. None of the text books covered this aspect of lycanthropy. No wonder there was so much prejudice.

I couldn't sleep at all that night. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had learned. One person at this school was a werewolf, and that person must have gone through a lot of what the anonymous werewolf had described in his autobiography. Thank Merlin no one else seemed to know about him, here at Hogwarts. Though Headmaster Dumbledore must know, there was nothing he didn't know. And if Dumbledore let him stay here, what harm could he really do? If _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ was anything to go by, he just wanted to be treated like any other person.

Any other person, that was exactly it. He was just like any other person, nothing dangerous about him, as far as I'd seen. Helpful, patient, kind... If he'd been dangerous, we'd all have been dead by now.

...

Alarms started to go off in the dorm. The sun had risen and it promised a clear sky. The girls around me woke up and began their morning routines.

Tia popped her head in through my curtains. "Aren't you getting up, Niamh?"

I turned to her. "I'm up."

"Niamh? You look awful. Haven't you slept?"

"No, I guess I haven't. I'm been up all night reading this book." I held it up, showed her the cover.

" _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_? Why have you been reading that? Why did you read all those books about lycanthropy last night?"

For a moment I almost told her, but something stopped me. "For revision," I answered quickly. "Have you ever read this book, Tia? It's devastating."

"I haven't read it, but I've heard about it."

"You have to read it."

" _You_ have to get ready for class, if you can manage on no sleep."

It was going to be a long day.


	9. Remus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

School that day was difficult. I couldn't get the Hogwarts werewolf off my mind, and my mind was slow and slurry from lack of sleep. By the time Defence Against the Dark Arts came around I was a mess. Tia said I looked like a ghost; pale, circles under my eyes and hair was a crow's nest from grabbing it to try and stay awake.

I struggled to keep my senses with me the entire lesson. Even though I knew a lot of the answers to Professor Lupin's questions, I did not have the energy to raise my hand. About the only conscious thoughts I had was about the book I read and about the werewolf at Hogwarts.

As the bell rang signalling break before dinner, I had no idea what we were supposed to have learned today. And as Professor Lupin kindly asked me to stay behind, I suspected he knew I hadn't been mentally present.

Patiently I sat at my regular desk at the front, waiting for whatever Professor Lupin wanted from me.

"How are you doing, Miss Farraday?" he asked, from behind his teacher desk.

"I'm fine, thank you, Sir," I answered.

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "What did we cover in class today?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but closed it again. There was nothing I could say to fool him, but I tried. "Defence against the dark arts?" I smiled sheepishly.

Surprisingly, he smiled too. "You didn't sleep last night, did you?"

I shook my head, loving that he cared enough to get to the bottom of this.

"You may look ill, but I recognise all the signs from a restless night. What kept you up?"

"I was revising Defence in the library last night, and I came across a book that I couldn't put down. I read it through the night and then sat up thinking about what I read." I noticed that my speech was a bit slurry, and I had to think back to make sure I said what I thought I said.

"I'm glad you take this class so seriously, but I don't want you to lose sleep over it."

"The book that kept me up wasn't for revision, it was just something I read to understand the topic better for myself." I stifled a wide yawn. "Listen, Sir, I actually want to talk to you about this, but I'm not functioning properly right now."

"I can see that." He looked amused. "Tomorrow is Saturday, why don't you come by my office then, Miss Farraday, and we can talk?"

"Okay, I will. And I promise I will have Tia fill me on everything I missed today." I stood up and grabbed my bag, stifling another yawn.

"Get some sleep first, will you?"

I nodded, waved goodbye and somehow made it past all the desks and through the door without tripping.

I was really excited about being invited to Professor Lupin's office, but I was too tired to really let it through. So I went straight to dinner, ate quickly and went straight to bed.

...

Around noon the next day, I woke up. I found Tia in the common room and was pleased to see she had brought a couple of slices of toast for me. I told her Professor Lupin had requested I see him in his office today, to talk about my performance in class yesterday, or lack thereof.

"Why wouldn't you see Professor McGonagall about it instead?" Tia asked.

"I don't know, I guess she didn't care that much. Professor Lupin told me to get some sleep and then see him today. So I'm going."

"I don't see you complaining." Tia smirked.

"Why would I? It'll be nice, even if I get yelled at." I smiled happily and went on my way, Tia shaking her head at my joy.

As quickly as I could I arrived on the second floor and knocked on Professor Lupin's door.

"Good afternoon, Miss Farraday," he greeted as he opened the door. "Or should I say good morning?" There was a smirk on his lips I hadn't seen before. It suited him.

I rolled my eyes and entered the office. "I suppose 'good morning' is correct, as I woke up half an hour ago. So I got about 14 hours. Do you think that's enough, Sir?"

"I think you'll have trouble sleeping tonight. Please, sit down." He signalled for the chairs we sat in last time. "Tea?"

"Yes, please." I didn't sit at the edge of my seat this time, but slid all the way back into the very comfortable chair, letting a sigh slip past my lips.

"What's wrong?" Professor Lupin asked as he prepared the tea.

"Oh, nothing," I answered. "I just like it in here. It's comfortable."

There were a few moments of silence as the tea brewed. Once again I looked at his hands working, something fluttering in my stomach as I did. This time I looked openly, not trying to hide myself.

He held the cup out for me, and I could smell the same flavour as last time.

"What was that book about, Miss Farraday, the one that kept you awake?" he then asked, looking at me over the top of his cup.

I took a deep breath, this was going to be difficult. "It was a book called..." I paused. " _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_."

I could see the colour leave his face, his eyes widen, terror flashing in them so quickly I wasn't sure I'd even seen it.

"I-I hear that's a good book," he said quickly.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I know, Professor."

"Know what?"

"I know what you are. I recognized all the signs I read about when I was revising on Thursday. It all made sense. How you're away 'sick' once a month, you're tired and weak the days before and after the full moon, your scars... You're a werewolf."

He blinked several times, still ghostly pale. He hastily put his teacup on the table, it spilled a few drops, and then he stood up. "This is it then," he said, walking back and forth, running his hands through his hair. "I have to leave." It sounded as if all the world's problems rested on his shoulders.

I straightened in horror, putting my cup away, following his every move across the floor. "Leave? Why?"

"You've found out, I'm sure you're going to tell everyone. Not that I blame you, a werewolf can't be teaching. What was I thinking? What was Albus thinking? The parents will have me chucked out tomorrow."

"I'm not telling anyone, Sir. You're a wonderful teacher and a good man. Why would I expose you to people's stupid prejudices?"

His stopped abruptly, right in front of me, his amber eyes piercing mine, there was an incredible sadness in them. I felt tears well up, but I didn't let them out. "Are you serious?" he asked.

"Yes, I am serious. I would _never_ do that you." I tried my best to convince him by letting my feelings shine through my eyes.

Relief flooded his entire being, I could feel it in the air around him. He fell to his knees, grabbing my wrists forcefully, bowing his head. "Thank you, Niamh."

My breath caught in my throat. He just used my first name. He didn't seem to notice it. And he was touching me again. The vibrations had never been so strong. It lived and breathed around me.

I stared at the back of his head, light brown and gray. His shoulders heaved with each breath. Ragged breath. Skin burning on mine. Trying to be careful and sneaky, I started twisting my wrists, wanting to properly hold his hands. This seemed to wake him, and his head snapped up, staring in slight horror at where his hands were. Quicker than I thought possible, he jumped up and away from me.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he muttered quietly.

"Why not?" I whispered, missing his closeness.

"Because- Never mind." He collected himself and sat down again.

I sighed as his vibrations washed over me again.

"I'm sorry you are a werewolf," I said. "I know you probably don't want pity, but I'm sorry for you. I can only imagine what it must be like, and it breaks my heart."

Professor Lupin just looked at me, I couldn't read his expression. So I kept talking.

"Once I realised what you were, I had Penelope help me find all the books about lycanthropy. And don't worry, I told her it was just for revision and she believed me. I read through all of them. Not thoroughly, of course, pretty much all of them say the same. I took _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ back to the dorm. And I read it through the night, crying for the man that wrote it, and crying for you. When I finished I couldn't sleep for everything I now knew and how sad I was."

"You're not even a little bit disgusted by me?" The question came quietly, full of insecurity.

"I grew up with the scary stories featuring werewolves, used to scare children from running in the woods alone, from going out after dark. So I guess I was a little bit prejudiced. But once I understood everything, I couldn't make sense of it. How such a gentle, kind man like you could be a vicious monster. But I understand now that the werewolf doesn't define you. It's just an unfortunate thing that happens every time the moon is full. We all go through crappy things, some crappier than others. And because people are blind, stupid and scared of the unknown, being a werewolf is crappier than it should be."

He was now leaning back in the chair, his cheek resting on the soft leather, staring at me with a soft smile on his lips.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he answered. "I guess I'm just so grateful you won't tell anyone. But even more happy that you found out, but don't hate me."

"How could hate you?" I widened my eyes at what I had just said, and the way I had said it. If that wasn't a clear clue to the feelings I had for my professor, then I don't know what could be. But he didn't seem bothered by it.

"The full moon is coming up in four days."

"I know. I'm sorry."

His smile widened.

"If there is anything I can do to make it easier, tell me."

"Just knowing that someone knows and thinks about me will help."

"Good, because I will. Where do you go to transform?"

This made him laugh. "Here I'm just lying in my bedroom, sleeping like a lazy dog. Professor Snape is brewing Wolfsbane for me each month. But at home I don't have access to the potion, so I lock myself in a strongly warded cage. And while I was at school, I was the 'ghost' in the Shrieking Shack."

I didn't laugh. A cage. That was horrible. And I knew all about the horror stories of the Shrieking Shack, he had been the one doing all the howling and crying? A tear fell out of my eye, I felt it roll down my cheek and onto my lips. My tongue darted out and I tasted the bitter salt. "Why can't you take the Wolfsbane when you're home?"

"It's a very complex potion. I was never that good at Potions. And it's too expensive to buy."

Another tear rolled down my cheek. This one fell onto my robes.

"Are you crying?" Professor Lupin asked.

"I just can't believe how unfair it is. That you of all people have to go through this." My breath hitched, a lump formed in my throat. I furiously dried the tears that now fell uncontrollably.

Professor Lupin stood up and walked over to me. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up and into his arms. I fell into them without hesitation, my own arms holding tight around his waist, resting my head on his chest.

"Don't worry about me," he said. I could feel the vibration of his voice against my ear. "I've managed for 30 years, I've learned to live with it."

"That long?" I asked between sobs, my voice muffled against his grey robes. "Y-you were bitten when you were th-three?"

"Four," he corrected. "I had my birthday on March 10th."

"H-happy belated birthday, P-professor."

"Thanks, but I think it is okay for us to be on first name basis, Niamh, we've crossed that line now. At least outside class."

I lifted my head to look at him, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Happy belated birthday, Remus."

There was a moment as we both looked into each other's eyes. My heart raced, I was sure he heard, knowing his senses must be higher than for normal people. I could feel his breath on my face, warm and sweet. The hands on my back tightened slightly and I could feel every muscle on his chest, his arms. His eyes darted all around my face, to each of my eyes, my lips, the top of my head, before finally staying on my eyes.

Then to my surprise he began lowering his head, painfully slow. It felt like a lifetime before his lips met mine. And then there was an explosion in my stomach, it flipped and flew and swooped and twisted. My skin was on fire, sensitive to everything. His lips were unbelievably soft, and gentle, and tasted so delicious my toes curled where I stood.

I couldn't help but moan as he gently nibbled on my bottom lip. Carefully I snaked my hands back, over his chest, and up around his neck, weaving my fingers into his hair, kissing him back with all I had.

Slowly and tenderly he caressed my lips with his own, not going any further than pressing them together. Just as slowly I stroked the hair in his neck, gently tickling him, pressing my body and my lips against him, drawing a moan from him that vibrated against my lips.

After a while he broke our connection, breathed out and let me go entirely. I was weak at the knees and fell ungracefully backwards into the chair.

"I shouldn't have done that," he whispered, looking tortured.

"I'm not complaining," I whispered, I didn't trust my voice to be strong and audible, but I knew he could hear me anyway.

"You're my student, and I'm your teacher," he continued. "This is one line we shouldn't have crossed. I'm a werewolf for Merlin's sake. I'm sorry, Niamh." He sat down heavily, his hand over his eyes.

I cleared my throat, trying to keep my insides calm long enough for me to speak clearly. "I'm not sorry, and I don't care if you're a werewolf at all. It didn't change anything for me." My voice left me at the end.

"What do you mean 'it didn't change anything'?"

"I- I-" I stuttered nervously. But then I thought that it didn't really matter, I think he already knew I cared for him, and I certainly didn't hide my feelings in that kiss. So why not let it all out? I took several deep breaths, and put my hands on my stomach to try to still the butterflies. "I think you've known for a while that I'm feeling more for you than I probably should. Realising what you are didn't change that at all, at least not in a negative way." My voice was shaking.

"You should be disgusted."

"You're not a werewolf _now_ , are you? No, you're just like me; alive and human. So what about that one day each month? I'm sure most men would agree that all women turn into complete monsters an entire week each month."

"It's-"

"It's not the same, I know," I interrupted him. "I'm just trying to make a point to show you that 12 days a year doesn't define who you are for the other 353 days."

"You really are amazing, you know that? For someone so young to be so mature in thought and mind, and... other areas."

I blushed.

"Still, what we just did is wrong and it can't happen again."

It was like someone drenched me in cold water. "Why not? We're both adults, we haven't done anything wrong. Was it that bad?"

"It wasn't bad, quite the opposite really. But as I said earlier, you are my student and I am your teacher. It's not right."

"I'd hate to sound like a crazy teenager, but I don't care. I don't want this to end after just one kiss, Remus." I was feeling a little bit desperate right now. He gave me the one thing I've wanted for months, only to rip it away from me. "You kissed me, Remus. You have to be feeling something for me?"

"I don't know what I'm feeling," he admitted. "You're very mature for your age. And you're smart and funny, and very attractive. But you have to understand that I don't want to risk my job here anymore than I already am, with me being a werewolf. And I certainly don't want you to get expelled."

"I understand." I sighed sadly. "I really do. At least there's only three months left before I leave this place for good. Maybe then?"

He smiled now, as if I'd given him a great gift. "Maybe then."

"I guess I should be leaving now. I need to have Tia catch me up on yesterday's lesson." I stood up and awkwardly straightened my robes.

"Don't worry about catching up," Remus said and stood up too. "It was only some theory on weak spots on dragons. Just read the chapter sometime before exams, and I'm sure you will be fine. It's not a critical subject, and the chapter is the shortest one in the book."

"If you say so. After all, you know best." I smiled crookedly and moved towards the door. "And I promise that I will not tell _anyone_ about _anything_ that transpired in here today."

"Thank you, Niamh. I really appreciate that."

My hand moved to the door handle, when I had a thought. I looked back shyly, not quite meeting his eyes. "You really think I'm attractive?"

He walked towards me. Gently he put a finger under my chin and raised my head. Once again he lowered his head, wet his lips and kissed me. Pressing his lips hard against mine, his hands on either side of my cheeks, holding me in place. Before I had time to return the kiss, he pulled back. "I find you very, very attractive."

"Oh," was all I managed to say, or rather breathe.

"Enjoy your weekend," he then said with a wink, opened the door and guided me out.

Dazedly I leaned against the wall out in the hall, trying to control myself and get the feeling back in my legs. That was mean of him, kiss me like that and then just push me out. Very mean.


	10. The Werewolf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

It was safe to say I was unusually happy the rest of that weekend. Tia kept glancing my way, probably thinking all sorts of nasty things about why I was so happy. She asked about what had happened, since I'd been gone a couple of hours. Even though I would trust her with my life, I kept my promise to Remus and said nothing.

I had started referring to him as Remus in my head now. I had tried before, but I just couldn't make myself call him anything but Professor Lupin. But I guess that's what a couple of awfully nice kisses do with a girl.

Being in Defence Against the Dark Arts class was an entirely different experience for me now. I couldn't help replaying those two kisses in my mind every time I saw Remus. And every time I became all hot and bothered. But I managed to stick to my normal routine in class with raising my hand at every question, still earning half of Gryffindor's points.

Remus' aura or magic was still vibrating whenever he was near me. It was still powerful, and very overwhelming when I wasn't expecting it. But it was almost as if it was calmer now, more settled and serene, more constant.

I had a crazy idea that it might be his attraction to me that surrounded him like that. I couldn't quite convince myself that I was right, but it was a nice thought nonetheless. Hopefully I could explore more once school was over.

About a week after that delightful Saturday in Remus' office, I decided I should try my Patronus again. It was a Tuesday evening and everyone was getting ready for the night. I was standing by my bed debating whether I should go for the old Christmas memory or try the memory of kissing Remus.

Not wanting to risk anything, I went for the Christmas memory. Focusing on that I waved my wand and spoke the charm. Out of my wand came a mist of bright light and on the floor it twisted and turned into a very corporeal form. I stared in amazement at it.

Tia and the three other girls in our dorm all gasped and stared just as transfixed.

"Is that a- Is that a wolf?" Tia then said.

The Patronus sat quietly and looked expectantly at me. "I think it is," I murmured. I smiled to the animal, and its tail began wagging excitedly. As I looked closer I could see that some of the features weren't normal for a regular wolf. For example its snout was a bit too short and the tail was tuftier.

My Patronus seemed to be a werewolf. Of all the creatures in the world, it was a tame werewolf. My heart beat so furiously it hurt. Remus was a werewolf and so was my Patronus. And I had clearly found that last part I had been missing to complete my soul.

He had to see this. But I couldn't barge into his office _now_ , I had to wait until after our Defence Against the Dark Arts class tomorrow. How was he going to react? Because this had to mean _something_.

Imagining his reaction made me lose my focus, and the white werewolf vanished. The other girls went back to their bedtime routines, but I stood steady, thinking about what I had just done.

It took several minutes before Tia asked if I was okay. "Should I go get McGonagall?"

"No, no, I'm fine," I answered. "I'm just a little shocked that I finally managed to do this properly."

"Okay. Good night, then," Tia said with a last sceptical look at me and went to bed.

In a daze I changed into my nightclothes and crawled under the covers. I thought I would have trouble sleeping, but I was out like a light the minute my head hit the pillow.

...

The following school day was incredibly long. I was itching to see my Patronus again, and I really, really, really wanted to be alone with Remus again, if only for a short while. But Defence Against the Dark Arts was the last class of the day.

When the bell rang for the final class, I was so excited and impatient and high-strung I was at the edge of my seat all lesson. I think Remus noticed that something was up with me, because he kept sending me frowns, and if I wasn't completely mistaken there was worry in his frowns. It was very sweet.

Eventually we were all dismissed. I told Tia I needed to ask the professor about my homework and she and the others began to pack and leave.

"Is there anything I can help you with, Miss Farraday?" Remus asked when he saw that I sat still at my desk.

"Yes," I answered. "There is something I need to show you about an assignment we had, but I would like to wait until everybody's left, if that's okay?"

"That's quite alright, we have some time before dinner." He smiled and sat down behind his desk to sort through the parchments there. And for a few minutes I was allowed to sit there and watch him, undisturbed. No one else bothered to pay attention to what I was doing now.

There was still a small smile on his face. I wondered if that was because I was staying behind.

I shook my head slightly, just because we had shared a couple of lovely kisses didn't mean he didn't have other things in his life to make him smile. There might even have been something funny on one of the parchments. Remus had a good sense of humour. He had cracked several jokes in class, and every time he did he had that mischievous glint in his eyes that made my blood boil.

I sighed, as the last person called out a goodbye and Remus waved his hand to close the door. Immediately I told him that I had tried my Patronus again and that it was fully corporeal.

"That's wonderful, Niamh!"

My heart still accelerated when he called me by my first name.

"But it's a bit of an unusual form..."

"Can you show me?"

I nodded and stood up to get ready. Thinking, focusing and waving my wand. " _Expecto Patronum_!"

Once again light burst from the tip of the wand and on the floor it transformed into the shape of a sitting and completely tame werewolf.

Carefully I looked at Remus, trying to read his expression. It was very controlled at first, but then he smiled. Not a big smile, but still a smile. "Well," he began, and scratched his chin. "Well, that is interesting."

I made an agreeable sound.

"What made you try it again?" Remus asked, leaning back in his chair, gazing at the werewolf. It was looking expectantly at me, as if awaiting orders.

"I cast it every once in a while, just to see. So I don't think anything special drove me to do it last night. But it was the first time I cast it since... Since before that Saturday in your office." Now I looked even more thoroughly at him. But he did not look shocked, or angry, or happy, just calm. This baffled me. "Say something," I pleaded and sat down, my legs couldn't keep me upright anymore. The wolf trotted over to me and sat down right next to me. Absentmindedly I stroked it. It didn't feel like a proper animal at all. It was just energy, warm tangible energy that my hand moved right through.

He sighed and looked me straight in the eyes, making butterflies fly around in my stomach. "To tell you the truth, I had a feeling it would become this unusual shape. I thought I recognized it the last time I saw it."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to risk interfering in the discovery of your form. Saying something may have changed it from what it was meant to be."

A playful smile erupted on my face. "I think you interfered anyway."

He grinned. "So it seems."

For a moment we just sat there, looking at each other and smiling. I was feeling extremely calm and safe, with him in front of me and the Patronus mirror of him next to me.

"What does this mean though?" I had to ask eventually. Was he my soul mate? Or was he just my saviour and protector? Was he supposed to be something for me at all? Or was it another werewolf and not Remus at all? I was almost afraid of the answer, but I needed to know.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I think we'll find out when you leave school."

I liked that answer, it held a lot of nice promises. And if we weren't meant to be anything at all, at least we could have fun finding it out. I smiled at him, not hiding any of my joy.

"Why don't we head down to dinner?" he then said and stood up, breaking the moment. "I'm getting hungry."

"Sounds good," I replied, wishing we could just eat in his office instead.

Then Remus surprised me. "Congratulations on finding your Patronus," he said and pulled me into a hug. In the corner of my eye I saw the werewolf vanish. But that didn't matter, because Remus was holding me again. It was a simple and kind gesture, but I still felt so warm, safe and comfortable I got a lump in my throat. I breathed in his sent, savouring the feeling of the coarse fabric of his robes against my cheek, not knowing if I would have the opportunity for another couple of months.

When he pulled away I sighed sadly at the loss. This made him smile gleefully. And then he banished the paperwork to the office and once again we descended to the Great Hall together.


	11. The Secret Is Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

I cast my Patronus quite often now. Since I couldn't be with Remus outside of class, I longed to see the bright werewolf form that, as far as I knew, represented him. But I only cast it when I was alone in the dorm or the bathroom. I tried different memories now too; I found that the memories of both kisses with Remus were very powerful, and almost any memory from when we had been alone together worked quite well too. I doubted anyone else in my year was as quick and efficient with the Patronus Charm as I was. Armed to my teeth with good energy I felt very safe when walking around the castle, feeling the effects of the Dementors outside.

What I didn't feel so safe about was the N.E.W.Ts. They were approaching at an alarming speed and all seventh years were doing revision. Everywhere I went I saw someone reciting spells or historical dates. I was starting to feel mad with it all, and it was still two months left.

Two months left until exams were over for the last time, and two months until I left Hogwarts forever and was free to do whatever I wanted. Like pursuing a relationship with Remus, finding out what we could be. If he wanted to, that is. But I'd make damn sure he did want to.

He had said that he found me attractive, he had kissed me twice, he had hinted on wanting to be with me after school. He _had_ to be interested, so I did my very best to keep it that way. I stepped up my efforts in his classes, had more extensive answers, and made sure I did my homework as good as possible. I made sure I looked my absolute best every time we were in the same room. And I kept my eyes on him as much as I could, smiled as often as I dared without making it obvious for everyone else. And putting everything I felt for him in each smile.

I could tell that he noticed my effort, because the vibrations in the air around us were humming more furiously than ever. And the way I caught him looking at me from time to time made me quite sure it was working, because the hair on my head curl in delight every time.

I could not wait for school to be over.

As April went on the weather became brighter and warmer. The Quidditch finals were held in the middle of the month, a brutal match between Gryffindor and Slytherin, which we won of course.

May came and went, with nothing but revision in every subject. I was pleased to find out that a lot of the material was still firmly embedded in my brain. And on the first week of June, all this knowledge was finally being put to the test. I was to sit for theoretical and practical N.E.W.Ts in 8 subjects. It would be two long weeks.

There was a full moon right in the middle of the exam first week. So that was naturally distracting me a bit. I was very close to going to Remus' office to see how he was doing, because he had been looking peakier than before any of the last full moons. But I drowned myself in Transfiguration instead and managed to stay in the common room.

Then that night something happened.

I knew there hadn't been any 'howling ghosts' in the Shrieking Shack since Remus was in school, and I knew that Professor Snape brewed the Wolfsbane potion for him so he would just sleep quietly in his rooms all night long. But that night, the night of the full moon, I was woken up by horrible, eerie and pained howls.

At first I was confused, but the more I listened the more I understood. And my heart broke. Remus must have forgotten his potion, or something had happened to make him miss it. Now he was running around in the forest, the wolf in complete control, hunting for blood.

I lay awake for a while, listening, wishing there was something I could do. But eventually my conscience caught up with me and I tried to sleep. I needed sleep before the exams. But the howling outside still woke me from time to time, before it finally stopped at sunrise.

...

I was exhausted that morning. I wasn't the only one who had been kept awake by the werewolf. I heard some other students talk about the animal that ran wild last night, or that the ghosts in the Shrieking Shack had returned. I got chills from listening to the stories that people could come up with.

Remus wasn't by the High Table at breakfast. So I assumed he was in the hospital wing, recovering from last night. That thought made me feel a little bit better, Madam Pomfrey was an excellent Healer.

Halfway through breakfast there was a commotion at the Slytherin table. Professor Snape had come in and was talking to a group of his students. The rest of the table seemed to be passing on a message. All were gasping in horror, some snorting in contempt. They were growing louder, and suddenly I caught the word 'werewolf'.

Now the Ravenclaws had begun talking furiously, the word 'werewolf' appeared more often. As the Hufflepuffs had heard the story I was certain that Professor Snape had told the Slytherins that Remus was a werewolf.

Cold fear struck me. What would happen to Remus now? They wouldn't let him continue teaching now that his secret was out. They should, but they wouldn't.

By now the word had reached the Gryffindor table. Everyone was whispering around me.

_Letting a foul beast like that teach us! How dare they? Dumbledore should be sacked! Lupin should be killed! Outrageous!_

It all made me sick.

I noticed Tia looking at me. "Are you feeling okay?" she asked. "You're looking awfully pale."

"I'm fine," I lied.

"He's a werewolf, Niamh. I can't believe it," she whispered. "And you had feelings for him."

"Have," I corrected distractedly. " _Have_ feelings for him."

"You can't say you still like him?"

"Why shouldn't I? It's not his fault he is a werewolf. He's still a normal wizard when the moon's not full."

Tia frowned. "It sounds like you have thought this through before. Did you know about it before?"

"Yes, I found out a few months ago."

"And you didn't say anything?"

I glared at Tia. "I didn't want to expose him to people's ignorance like that. Like _this_." I gestured to the room.

Tia just gaped at me. Clearly she wasn't as open minded as I thought.

"I'm going for a walk." I stood abruptly up and strode out of the Great Hall as quickly as I could.

The halls were quiet. I wanted, needed to see Remus, but I didn't want to show up in the hospital wing and get him into more trouble. So I found the closest bathroom, locked myself in a stall and produced the Patronus.

I was very surprised at Tia's behaviour. We had never been in a situation where our opinions on werewolves and such would be discussed, and had this been only a year ago I probably would have agreed with her and the majority of the school. But I had gotten to know Remus and so realised that nothing was just black and white.

My mind wandered back to how he was doing. I surprised myself with how much I cared for Remus. How much I worried and longed for him. I was in love with him. It couldn't be any other explanation.

"Am I really in love with him?" I asked the werewolf Patronus.

It didn't answer. Just looked at me, head to the side.

I nodded. "I am. I really am." Admitting it to myself felt freeing and overwhelming at the same time. As if I unleashed something inside me that I had no control over. My breathing was fast and I felt lightheaded. I smiled, wider than I ever had before. The werewolf Patronus smiled too, before vanishing.

Feeling a lot better I started on my way back to the Great Hall, where the Transfiguration N.E.W.T was held. Students were rushing past me on the way to other exams or lessons. Outside the Great Hall all the seventh years were waiting for the room to be ready. I saw Tia standing there, reading through her notes.

Immediately my bright mood vanished. Tia's narrow-mindedness put her in a whole new light. I wasn't sure what this meant for our relationship.

She looked up, saw me approaching. But I found that I didn't want to talk to her now, I didn't want to try to figure her out. So I steered away, not being subtle about it at all. There was a hurt and confused look in her face. I couldn't worry about her. We had been friends for ages, so if it was real, our friendship could handle this bump in the road. Now I had other things to focus on.

Like the fact that the doors to the Great Hall opened and we were let in to sit our theoretical Transfiguration N.E.W.T.


	12. Resigning and Planning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

We were done with the Transfiguration theory at lunch time. So we stepped out only to step right in again and eat. It was then that Headmaster Dumbledore stood up, silencing the entire student body.

"I have an announcement to make, and some bad news to deliver." The usual twinkle was gone from his eyes. "First, I believe the word about Professor Lupin's unfortunate condition has reached all of you by now." An agreeable murmur crossed the room. "It is true, Professor Lupin is a werewolf. Some of you will think I was irresponsible in hiring him, but I have known Professor Lupin since he himself was a student here, and I know that he would never put himself in any position to harm another living being. And _I_ would never put my students at risk.

"The first of the bad news is that Professor Lupin has resigned effective immediately. So you will have all Defence Against the Dark Arts classes off for the remaining school year."

A stone fell in my stomach. Remus had resigned, he would be leaving today, and I had no idea where he would go. I had no idea when I would see him again. The entire situation was so unfair I couldn't believe it.

"The other bad news concerns Sirius Black," Headmaster Dumbledore continued. "I would want you to hear this from me first, instead of reading about it in the Prophet. Black was captured last night, here on the grounds. But he managed to escape. The Ministry is of course looking for him. But I have had the Dementors removed from the school, since I know that Sirius Black will not be a threat to anyone here anymore."

A hum of murmurs filled the Great Hall.

"And some advice: Always remember that everything may be different than it seems." With that Headmaster Dumbledore stepped away from the podium and found his seat again.

I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to see Remus. So I left and went in search of his office.

The door was open, I could hear music playing inside. I stepped onto the threshold and saw Remus waving his hands making clothes and books and other items fly into trunks. I knocked on the door frame.

He finished packing some socks and turned around. "Miss Farraday! Come in!"

"Hi, uh," I hesitated. I wasn't quite sure if I should use his first or last name now, when he had used my last. Quickly I decided to be bold. "Hi, Remus. I heard you're leaving?"

"Yes, I am, today." He sighed and sat down in his usual chair, motioning for me to take the other. I did, at an angle so I could look right at him, feeling the comfortable yet furious hum between us. He looked tired and pale. There were several new cuts across his cheek, and he moved with fatigue.

"My secret's out," he continued. "Severus told everyone this morning that I'm a werewolf." His voice was extremely controlled.

"I know, I heard. I'm sorry. I don't understand what could possibly fuel that man's hate for the world. But please," I reached across the table between us, laying a hand on his arm, "please don't tell me you're actually leaving."

"The parents don't want someone like _me_ teaching their children," he said, looking sadly at me. "They'll be demanding my resignation by the morning, so I'm making it easier for Dumbledore and leaving now."

"I-I don't want you to leave," I muttered.

He smiled fondly, laying a hand above the one I still had on his arm. My stomach fluttered at the touch. "And I don't want to go."

"Did you miss your Wolfsbane last night?" I asked.

He frowned. "Yes, actually, I did. How did you know?"

"I heard you howling and rampaging outside last night."

"Did it keep you awake?"

I nodded. "Only because I worried. My heart was breaking listening to you out there."

"You shouldn't worry so much about me, Niamh." He sat up and took my hand in both of his. "I mean, I appreciate that you do, but I'm used to it. I can handle it."

"I know you can handle it. But I can't stop myself worrying, I care too much about you." I wanted to say I was in love with him, but my bravery couldn't go that far. Not now.

His hands tightened around mine. But he didn't say anything. The shift in the hum was enough answer for me, it increased its vibrations, almost like a heartbeat.

"You know I can feel a hum now too?" he then said.

"Really?"

"Only from you. Right now it's very calm."

"The hum I feel isn't very calm. So perhaps we're feeling the other's aura then."

"It seems so. Because I'm not very calm." Once again I got the feeling that he was hiding something from me, with the short tone in his voice.

"You wouldn't happen to know what it is now, would you? Now that you feel it too?" I asked.

"Nothing more than what you said, our auras," he answered a little bit too quickly for me to fully believe it.

"Are you sure?"

He looked at me, my eyebrows was raised slightly in disbelief. I think he knew I didn't believe him. "I'm sure," he said anyway.

"Okay," I surrendered. If he didn't want to tell me, he didn't want to tell me. "Why are you feeling distressed?" I asked instead.

"A lot happened last night, just not me missing my Wolfsbane. My mind is a right mess, I have a lot to think about."

"There sure was a lot happening last night. Apparently Sirius Black was captured, but then he escaped."

"I know, I was there." Remus let go of my hand now, leaning back again, pulling his hands through his hair.

I raised my eyebrows. "You where there? Why?"

He opened and closed his mouth a few times. "It's a _long_ story. I want to tell you, you _should_ know, but not right now. There's no time. But I'll tell you now that Sirius Black was one of my best friends in school. We thought he betrayed us during the last war, but there was a lot more to it."

"Ah," I said, something clicking in my mind.

"What?"

"Dumbledore said something just before I left, right after he told us about Black's escape. He said that we always had to remember that things may be different than they seem. He was referring to what you just said, I suppose?"

"It would be uncharacteristic of him not to say something cryptic about it, yes," Remus said with a small smile.

"Lunch is almost over, I have to get back for my practical Transfiguration N.E.W.T," I said.

"I wouldn't want to keep you from that. You have to finish school." There was a very meaningful smile on his face.

"Yes, I do. How can I see you when I leave?" I stood up.

He got up too. "How about we meet at The Three Broomsticks on July 1st? Will that work for you?"

"Yes," I breathed, ecstatic that I knew I would see him again, away from everyone that could get us in trouble.

"Now, you got to go, Harry Potter is coming," he said pointing towards a parchment on his desk.

"What is that?" I asked.

"A magical map, it's part of the story I'll tell you sometime. Good luck on the rest of your exams, I know you'll do well."

"Thank you, I-" He cut me off with a kiss. It was over before I had the chance to realise it was happening, but I could feel the pressure of him there even after he had moved away.

"Goodbye, Remus." I waved as I left.

"Goodbye, Niamh," I heard him say before I was down the hall. And sure enough, there was Harry Potter, on his way to Remus' office. Potter too looked like he'd been through hell, cuts and bruises on all visible skin. It wouldn't surprise me if he had been involved in whatever had happened last night, it certainly wouldn't be the first time Potter had been on an 'end of the school year adventure'. Remus would tell me in less than a month.


	13. The Shrieking Shack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

The N.E.W.Ts went okay, I think. I did my best, and I was very confident I had passed all of them. How well I had passed, remained to be seen. But I was pretty sure I did Outstanding in Defence Against the Dark Arts. I even got bonus points for managing to produce a corporeal Patronus. The examiner didn't react to the shape of the Patronus, so it was either more normal than I thought, or he thought it was a common wolf. The latter wasn't very reassuring, given that he judged in Defence.

It felt strange not to see Remus around the castle anymore. It seemed I was almost the only one who was upset by it. Tia sure wasn't. I had tried talking with her, after she shared her repulsion about Remus as a werewolf. But she was still prejudiced. There was no reasoning with her, no convincing her that Remus really was a good wizard. All the good things he had done over the year were clearly forgotten, and all she and everyone else could see was the monster that appeared only one night each month. The monster they had never really seen.

I could not be friends with a person like that. It was a shame, because I really loved Tia. She had been my best friend for seven years, she had been with me through hell and back. But if she was so repulsed by the best teacher we ever had, the wizard I was in love with, for something he didn't want or couldn't control, then I couldn't be friends with her anymore. If she one day changed her mind, I would see what could happen.

For now I had made it very clear where our friendship was, and was spending my last school days as good as alone.

Still, time went by fast. Before I knew it I was on the Hogwarts Express home. And in two weeks I would be going back to Hogsmeade to meet Remus. It was now that time went slow. Mum and dad were wondering why I was so restless, but I didn't want to tell them yet. I had a feeling they would support me, after the initial shock, but I didn't see the point in telling them before I knew if there was any future for me and Remus together.

...

After two long and gruelling weeks July 1st arrived. To my amazement I wasn't nervous, only calmly excited. I had found my prettiest and sexiest outfit, but still being informal and comfortable. Freshly laundered summer robes, and hair loose around my face. Remus wouldn't be able to resist me in this.

I told my parents I was going to Hogsmeade for some shopping. So I wasn't really lying. Around noon I Apparated to the designated Apparition spot and walked into The Three Broomsticks.

Remus was already there, sipping a Butterbeer. I walked over, blushing and feeling butterflies in my stomach at the mere sight of him and from finally feeling his vibrations again. He looked good, healthier than when he left Hogwarts.

"Hi, Remus," I greeted as I reached his table.

He looked up and smiled when he saw me. "Hello, Niamh. Sit down."

I slid into the seat. Then he pushed a mug of Butterbeer towards me.

"It's still warm."

So was his voice. It may be a hot summer's day, but hearing Remus' voice again warmed me as if it had been a snowstorm outside, heating everything from deep in my marrow to the hairs on my skin. "Thank you," I said and laid my hands around the warm glass. "How are you doing?"

"I'm very well, physically. Mentally, a bit tired. But I've had a lot of time to think this last month." The tiredness shone through to his eyes.

"Sirius Black?"

He nodded. "I promised I would tell you about that, but we have all day. Or do you have anywhere you need to be?"

"No no, I'm all yours until you get tired of me." I smiled playfully.

"Good. So how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. It's a bit bittersweet having left Hogwarts. But I guess I'll forget all about that when I start looking for jobs. Which I will get to next week. I've just been resting since I came home."

"Your N.E.W.T results haven't arrived yet?"

"No, should be another two weeks, I was told."

He nodded, and just looked at me for a few moments.

"What?" I had to ask.

"Oh, nothing." He shook his head. "It's just wonderful to see you again."

I blushed, and hid my face by taking a long sip of my Butterbeer.

"What do you say we get out of here?" he asked. "Go somewhere else, where we can talk more openly."

"Sure," I agreed.

He waved over Madam Rosmerta, the innkeeper, and asked if we could take our Butterbeers to go. She looked between us for a second with a slight frown, before she waved her wand and the glasses were replaced with plastic cups and we were on our way.

There were a lot of people outside in the streets. I didn't know how that would make our conversation more private. But the more we walked, the more I realised he had a special target in mind.

"Where are we going?" I asked as he led us on to a side street.

"I thought we could go to the Shrieking Shack. Unless you're afraid of the ghosts there?" He said the last part with a playful smirk that made my heart thump loudly.

"Ghosts? I hear it was really an angry werewolf that was living there. But apparently he's retired now."

"Really? Oh, well, I think I can protect you against that angry werewolf."

"He never seemed so angry to me though. Actually, I kind of like that particular werewolf. He's quite handsome."

Now it was Remus' turn to blush, and I was very proud of myself to have made him do so.

We reached the Shrieking Shack. I noticed it didn't look nearly as scary up close as it did from the streets of Hogsmeade. Yes, it was old and falling apart, but I thought it looked charming, in a strange way.

"So this is where you spent your nights as a werewolf when you were in school?"

We were standing by what appeared to be the main entrance, but it was bolted shut. I walked slowly around the corner, looking at everything, hearing Remus following me.

"Yes. And believe it or not, some of my fondest memories from school found place here or near here."

"Seriously?" I stopped and turned around to look at him.

"Seriously, it's part of the story I want to tell you."

"Can I look inside?" I asked.

"Of course, follow me." He led me to the back of the house, the side facing Hogwarts. His hands touched the walls, searching for something. Suddenly I heard a click, and he pushed open a door of some kind, only 5 feet high standing 2 feet above the ground. "In here." He climbed in, and held out his hand for me. I took it and let him guide me in.

It wasn't exactly as I pictured it. It was a lot more habitable, but very dusty. The first thing I did was sneeze fiercely.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked, holding my shoulder as I shook.

"I think so," I replied as I got over the worst. "It's the dust."

"Yes, it's enough of that in here to kill a person."

He still held my hand as he took me through the house. I hardly dared move my hand in case he would let me go.

"This is the room I always transformed in," he said. It looked like a bedroom, but the mattress was shredded. The bedposts were broken in several places. A mirror lay broken in a corner. The armoire had doubled over.

"Oh, Remus." I automatically tightened my hand around his. I could almost see a younger version of him writhing in pain on the floor, body changing into that of a beast, leaving his human side behind. "How could this house hold your best memories from school?"

"You'll see." I could hear him smiling.

He took me through the rest of the house. There was a dirty and disgusting kitchen, a living room that must have been very nice once upon a time, a hall with abandoned paintings, and two more bedrooms, one which held a piano that had amazingly been spared from the dust in the house.

Finally Remus led me outside again. This time he almost lifted me through the hole that worked as a door. It was the closest I had been to him since that last kiss in his office in June. As he put me down on the ground, he held onto me for a few seconds. I looked up at his face, he looked down at me. I desperately wanted to feel his lips again.

When it didn't seem like he would make a move to kiss me, I asked. "Can I kiss you?"

He answered by finally lowering his head to mine, letting our lips meet. It was better than I remembered. Warm, soft and absolutely perfect. And we were not bound by school morals, if someone were to see us now it wouldn't matter, we were free to do exactly what we wanted wherever we wanted. It made the whole thing even more exhilarating. He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me flush against his body. I let my hands sneak up around his neck, weaving my fingers into his hair. Then I felt his tongue on my bottom lip, cautiously asking for permission to enter. I granted it, opening my mouth to him, letting our tongues meet in tentative greeting for the first time.

It was amazing what this was doing to my body, I could already feel myself getting excited. The taste of him, the feel of his warm body, the sensations it gave me was overwhelming. I had to use every ounce of control I had not to rip his clothes off and take him right there in front of the Shrieking Shack.

I think he noticed where my mind was heading, because he pulled back gently. With his eyes still closed, he leaned his head back and breathed out heavily. I let my head fall onto his chest, breathing just as roughly.

"That was... refreshing," he said, chuckling slightly.

"That's one word for it," I replied.

"Why don't we sit down and talk?"


	14. Knowing Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

Remus and I sat down in the grass behind the Shrieking Shack, with view over the train tracks, the forest and the hills. We were hidden from the view of anyone in Hogsmeade, were they to glance this way.

We sat close enough to each other so I could feel his aura around me, feel the warmth from him radiating towards me. And if I wanted to move my left leg just a quarter of an inch it would touch his. Our hands were right next to each other in the grass as we leant backwards. I closed my eyes and revelled in the burning sun and the feeling of Remus next to me.

After a few moments in silence he began to tell me the story about Sirius Black and what had happened that last night at Hogwarts. How he had been best friends and Marauders with Sirius Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. How they had become Animagi to keep him company during the full moons and made the Marauder's Map together. How after school James and Lily Potter had gone into hiding with a Secret Keeper they all thought was Sirius. Then how the Secret Keeper had betrayed James and Lily and gotten them killed by the hands of Voldemort. Their son, Harry Potter, had survived and was taken away to live with relatives of Lily. Then Sirius had allegedly killed Peter and a bunch of Muggles.

Remus had lived all those years since alone, having lost all his best friends, not being able to hold down a proper job. Being all alone at the full moon, taking care of himself afterwards.

It hurt me more than I thought possible to hear him talk about it.

He continued with telling how he had found out that Peter was still alive, realising that maybe the situation with Sirius wasn't like he had always thought. And then he had followed Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley to the Whomping Willow and the Shrieking Shack. There he met Sirius and they both exposed Peter as Ron's pet rat, after Professor Snape had tried to stop them both, believing both Remus and Sirius worked for Voldemort.

Once they had come out of the Shrieking Shack again, the moon had come out, forcing Remus to transform. Peter had transformed too, into the rat, and escaped. Sirius and Harry had almost been Kissed by the Dementors, but apparently Professor Snape had saved them. Sirius had been locked away, but then Harry and Hermione had saved him, and now he was off Merlin knows where, hiding from the Ministry.

"So Sirius never was the 'notorious mass murderer' the press and everyone else made him out to be..." I concluded as more of a statement, than a question.

"Peter had been the betrayer all along, going to Voldemort for years. That's probably where he is now, searching for his precious master." There was an incredible bitterness in his words.

"It's a little bit hard to believe, after so many years of being fed one story. But I trust you to not lie to me."

"I'm a terrible liar, always been. So you would know if I lied," he laughed.

"Now _that_ I can believe. And you're too nice to lie just for the fun of it."

Suddenly he was serious, turning around and looking directly at me, a frown on his face. "But how do you know? How can you know if I'm nice? We haven't had that much time to get to know each other, yet you seem to trust me almost blindly. You know I'm a werewolf, you've seen me after a change, you've heard me rampaging through the Forbidden Forest, you know how dangerous I can be. I could kill you now, or I could seek you out during a full moon and maul you. Why do you trust me like this?"

I looked into his amber eyes, seeing his insecurities. "I-I don't know. I just do, I guess. Dumbledore trusted you enough to let you teach his students. If you'd want to harm me or anyone else you'd have done so already. You've had plenty of chances throughout the school year. I even went voluntarily into your office three times, but I have nothing but lovely memories from those moments. I've just been drawn towards you, I couldn't control it. It feels like it's an instinct to trust you."

I saw that he sucked those words in like a hungry child.

"And I don't think my Patronus would be inspired by someone who wanted to hurt me," I finished.

Remus smiled now, wide and genuinely. "Yes, your Patronus. That has to mean something."

"Is it normal to love you Patronus as much as I do?" I asked.

"I think a lot of people care deeply for their Patronuses. It is a part of who you are and something that protects you in one of the direst situations you can come across." That came out in his business like Professor-voice. It was fun how he did that sometimes.

"You do realise it's because of you I care so much about it?" It was my turn to be serious now.

"Me?" he asked.

I nodded. "As far as I understand, that Patronus is you. And when I'm not with you I have an urge to produce it, just so I can feel that you are near. I haven't had that urge one second today."

"I'm glad I make you feel that way. Your aura is very calm right now."

"So is yours." I smiled quickly, but turned serious once again. "I have to take your question and turn it around. Like you said, we don't really know each other that well yet. But how can _you_ trust _me_? You've told me things I know _I_ wouldn't have told someone I didn't trust completely, if I were in that situation."

Remus looked thoughtful for a few moments. "I have opened up to you more easily than with most people in my life, you're right. I guess I can't give you any other answer than what you gave me, I just do. Might also be the fact that you did keep my furry little problem secret, and if you didn't tell anyone about that, you could certainly be trusted with everything else." He paused, gazing into my eyes. "I think I just see it in your eyes, I see that you are what you are, there is nothing dishonest in them."

The way Remus was looking at me now, after those words, it took my breath away. It was as if he was piercing my soul, seeing all my untold secrets, seeing exactly how much he meant to me. "Tell me about yourself," he then said. "How was your childhood? What are your parents' names? How is your family? What do you want to do with your life?"

I laughed at all his questions, flattered that he really wanted to know. So I answered them. "My childhood was fantastic. My parents' names are Ashley and Bran. My family is small, but we are very close. I'm not sure what I want with my life yet, I may want to be an Auror."

It was his turn to laugh now, a hoarse and beautiful sound. "Tell me more." He took my hands in his, we were now sitting in front of each other, legs crossed. Once again he became serious. "I want to know everything."

I nodded and thought about where to begin. I decided to start with my parents' relationship, since what they were and what they taught me defined me so strongly. I told him about how they had always been friends, lovers since fifth year and bonded at 18. How they had the kind of love I wanted, a love that you could feel in the air around them. A love that I grew up around and had made me the person I was today.

Our family was small. Mum was an only child and dad had one older sister. She was bonded to a Muggle and had twins, both left Hogwarts five years ago. All my grandparents were still alive. We were all very close and spent all holidays together.

So I grew up in a very warm, close and loving environment. And I had been taught to be hardworking, tolerant and kind. This would most likely have put me in Hufflepuff, but I also learned strength, determination, to fight for what you believe in and never waver from your beliefs. So I ended up in Gryffindor.

And there I met Tia, who became the sister I never had. I stopped talking here, since Tia was no longer a part of my life, and it hurt a bit to think about.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked in concern.

"I- Tia, she- We're not friends anymore." My voice broke at the last word. I suppose I hadn't really mourned the loss of our friendship before, I had been too angry at her. But now, safe with Remus in front of me, I was relaxed and truly felt how much I missed her.

"Why?" He took my hands in his, warmth flooding into me.

"She knew about my feelings for you. She know me so well, she figured it out around Christmas. And when Professor Snape told everyone about your condition, she... she was repulsed. She couldn't understand how I could still care for you. I tried reasoning with her, convincing her that you were a good person, the kindest person I know, but she wouldn't budge. I-I can't be friends with someone who is that prejudiced, so repulsed by the thought of me being in love with you. If she can't respect the person I want to be with, she is no true friend of mine."

A few tears were falling down my cheeks now, I did not realise at that point what I had let slip. Remus stared at me, both sadness and wonder in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said and reached out to wipe away my tears. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"It's not your fault," I said. "It's her problem for not being big enough to open her heart and mind. If she really cared about our friendship she'd see past her own prejudice."

"You really let go of your best friend for me?"

I nodded. "And I will never regret it. But I still miss her."

"Of course you do." He had his right hand resting on my neck affectionately.

I looked into his eyes, feeling comforted by it. It didn't matter that I had lost my best friend, I had Remus.

"I'm sorry to change the subject like this, but did you mean what you said about me just a minute ago?" he then asked.

I frowned and thought back. "That you are the kindest person I know?"

He shook his head.

"What did I say?"

He shook his head again. "Never mind. It wasn't important." He looked almost disappointed. "How about we talk about something more cheerful? Like that Christmas you used as a Patronus memory?" He seemed very eager now, so eager I had to smile.

"Well, every year for as long as I can remember I have just been sitting in the sofa watching mum and dad wave their wands around to decorate the tree. I think I was nine when I first asked if I could help. But they said I was too young, I had to finish Hogwarts and or at least be of age first.

"But in sixth year I had finally turned seventeen, so I asked again that Christmas, and I was allowed to do the entire tree on my own. I was so excited. I placed the candles, lit them and made them fire safe. And then I levitated all the balls and stars up, created tinsel, and finally managed to cast a weather charm to make it snow above the tree. It was so beautiful."

As I spoke I could see the memory in my head. It had been a _very_ good Christmas.

"Mum and dad also let me help with a lot of the other Christmas preparations that needed magic. Baking, wrapping presents and even cleaning. I had never had so much fun cleaning."

"I can imagine," Remus whispered with a smile. "I understand why it's a good memory for a Patronus."

At this moment, my stomach decided to growl loudly. Instantly I reached for my stomach, as if that would shut it up, and I could feel a furious blush creep up my face.

"I'm just guessing blindly here," Remus said, "but are you hungry?" There was a playful grin on his lips.

"I don't know," I joked back. "A little bit perhaps."

"Why don't we go back to the Three Broomsticks and get something to eat?"

"Sounds excellent," I said.

So we stood up and walked back to the inn.


	15. Take Me Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

The day with Remus had been nothing short of amazing. After dinner in the Three Broomsticks we had gone back out to the Shrieking Shack. There we talked a bit more, both lying in the grass, facing each other, leaning on our elbows. As twilight came there was a moment of silence when Remus looked at me, his eyes darting around my face. Then he kissed me again. It felt even better now, if that was possible. We were completely comfortable with each other now, and confident that we had strong feelings for each other.

Remus had not hidden anything from me in the course of the day, at least not while we were alone. His attraction to me shone in his eyes, and it shot through me every time he touched me. The way he spoke told me he cared for me and the vibrations around him told me just how much.

So as he kissed me now he let there be no doubt that he wanted me. He leaned me back into the grass, leaning over me with his hands deep in my hair. Our tongues danced together, caressed each other. My hands didn't know what they enjoyed the most, being tangled up in his hair or roaming over the flexing muscles in his back.

With every little movement Remus made the pool of warmth in my stomach grew, making me desperate for more of him. I had never felt like this before, not even with my Head Boy boyfriend in fourth year. I felt a need to be under Remus' skin, to never let him go. I could feel my excitement burst out from the core of me and push out through my skin.

I was almost certain we would go all out there on the hills behind the Shrieking Shack, and while in the middle of it all I felt that I didn't care if it was outside in the open. But as I relived it all while not wanting to get out of bed a few days later, I was glad Remus had stopped us before it came to that. What would we have done if someone had happened to walk by? Embarrassment flooded through me, and I focused on other memories, just has hot as the other, but careful to steer clear of the moments when our urges usually became too much and Remus stopped us.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be seeing him today, last night had been the full moon, and he said he wanted me out of harm's way until he had recovered completely. But he promised to meet me tomorrow. So today I had to live off the steaming memories.

I stayed at home, walking restlessly around. Mum and dad asked what was going on with me, what I had done the last few days. I had never been much of a shopper, so they thought it was strange that I had been away all day for several days. Dad said that the only things that could keep me occupied for a whole day was either studying or a boyfriend. So he and mum went mental with teasing. It was all good natured of course, but I tried to avoid them, not wanting them to really suspect anything yet.

Going out again the next day, and the next, and the next was not a good way to keep them from getting ideas about what I was doing. But I couldn't stay away from Remus, I had to see him. Now that we were both free from the expectations of school and faculty, our personal restraints and control were completely gone. Because I hadn't _this_ desperate to see him at school, I guess it was because then I really shouldn't want to see him like that.

It was becoming clearer each time we met that Remus was as desperate as me. He wasn't as physical in his desperation as I was, at least not as physical as I wished he would be. Because it was always _he_ that stopped us when things became too intense. But the way he sometimes took my hand spoke volumes. The way he looked at me, drew me in with just his eyes. The vibrations, which I was getting so used to it felt strange when they were gone, seemed to draw me in like a moth to the flame. And the way he kissed me... Merlin, I couldn't stay away from him even if I wanted to.

So I had to tell my parents _something_. I admitted that I had a boyfriend. They were a bit sceptical about me being with him so much, what on earth were we doing all day every day? But I assured them, with a slightly disappointed tone, that nothing indecent was happening. I also assured them I was as safe as I could possibly be, he was excellent in Defence. So they let it go, and were happy for me. They really wanted to meet him, but I said I wasn't ready for that yet.

Remus and I had taken to meeting up outside the Shrieking Shack and then going wherever we wanted after that; Diagon Alley, Muggle London, Hogsmeade, Stonehenge... Today, two weeks and one full moon after our first meeting, was no different. I Apparated there, to the hill on the backside. Remus was already there, I found him sitting down in the grass, leaning on the wall of the house. When I walked towards him, he stood up slowly and to me that was such a sensual movement my breath caught in my throat.

"Hi," I greeted breathlessly, now right in front of him.

Instead of saying anything he laid a hand on each side of my head, bending his head forward and pressing his lips to mine. Instantly I had butterflies in my stomach, a tightening in my chest, blood rushing to my head and my nether regions.

Remus deepened the kiss, letting our tongues meet and battle for a brief moment, only to retreat and pull away. He leaned his forehead against mine, my eyes were closed and I felt his heavy breaths on my skin.

"Hi," he then said, I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Hi," I said again, opening my eyes to look into his warm amber ones, just an inch from mine. It awakened something in me, something that wanted to ravish him on the spot.

I could almost feel again everything I felt when we got caught up in the moment, close to ravishing each other. Hands under clothes, some buttons undone... But it never came to it. I couldn't understand why, but I respected him and knew that he had to have a good reason for not letting it happen. He better have.

"I want to take you home today," he whispered warmly into my ear. "Show you the house my grandparents built, the house I was raised in. Cook for you in my kitchen, talk to you in the sitting room, kiss you across the dining table."

"That would be very nice," I whispered back.

"Are you okay with Side-Along Apparition?"

I nodded against his shoulder.

"Hold on," he said and pulled me tighter, while I locked my arms around his waist, closing my eyes against his chest. I could feel him starting to spin us around, the world compressed and disappeared, then normalized and I could sense a completely different atmosphere around us.

Birds were chirping, a gentle breeze took hold of my hair. I could smell trees and flowers and freshly cut hay. Remus let me go and I opened my eyes and looked around. It was absolutely beautiful. There was a forest a way away behind the house, green and lush. The house was dark blue, but in desperate need of fresh paint, two stories high, and a gravel path from the front door to the road. Across the road there were fields as far as the eye could see, with rows upon rows of haystacks, drying in the July sun.

"They belong to a Muggle farm a couple of miles east," Remus commented.

Turning back to the house I could see a couple of meagre flowerbeds.

"It's lovely here," I said, smiling at Remus.

He smiled back. "I'm glad you think so. The house could do with some work though, some fresh paint and renovation inside, but I never get around to it. Not that I'm that familiar with the spells either, or have the money to do it properly. But now that I've been away at Hogwarts for a year it looks even worse than I remember."

"As long as it's clean, does it really matter?"

He took my hand and led me down the gravel path. "I guess not."

At his touch the door opened and we came straight into the kitchen. It _was_ a bit old and worn, but it was homely and nice. Right beyond the kitchen was what seemed to be a large sitting room. To the right was the stairs to the upper floor.

I could feel Remus looking at me, searching for my reaction. I couldn't help but smile. "I like your house, Remus. Or what I have seen of it so far. It feels safe and warm, like you."

The hand that was still holding mine tightened. And then he led me into the living room, showed me a small library in a room behind it. Then he took me upstairs where there was a bathroom, an office and two bedrooms. He took me into the bedroom that used to be his.

"I used this up until... I think nine years ago. I thought it was time I took over the master bedroom."

Delightful thoughts and images entered my head as he said he 'took over the master bedroom'. But seeing the room where he spent 25 years of his life was quite intriguing too. There was a small desk in the corner, still littered with parchment and books and empty ink bottles. A small bookcase next to it, full of old school books, on the wall next to that was pictures and diagrams and drawings. The bed was stripped, but looked comfortable against one wall. A beautifully carved wardrobe covered the last wall.

"This is amazing," I said and walked over to the wardrobe, tracing the nature patterns with my fingers.

"My grandmother made it. She was specially gifted with wood, had a natural affinity with it. She knew exactly what piece of wood would be useful, what it would be useful for and how to manipulate it." He pointed at a black and white picture next to the bookcase.

A woman, who I expected was his grandmother, stood next to a man, both holding the hands of a little girl who bore some resemblance to Remus.

"Your mother and her parents?" I asked.

"Yes," he answered while laying an arm around my shoulders as we looked at the three people smiling and occasionally shuffling their feet. "Mum was six here. They had just bought this property. It took them two weeks to build, decorate and furnish the house."

"Wow," I breathed, gently touching the frame. "You look a bit like your mother."

"So I've been told. I can't see it."

"Men, they never see anything," I muttered jokingly and began making my way out of the room and downstairs again.

But before I even made it to the stairs Remus had caught up with me. With a bit of force he took hold of my arm, spun me around and pinned me against the wall. There was a playful smirk on his face, making him look years younger. I felt the excitement bubble in my stomach at his behaviour.

"What's that you're saying about men?" he asked. And before I even thought of replying his lips had captured mine and worked such wonders on them I didn't know where I was. My toes curled and I moaned into his mouth.

Then he suddenly pulled away and was halfway down the stairs before I got my senses back. "Do you want lunch?"


	16. Heated and Dangerous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

After a nice and simple lunch, Remus and I had spent some time outside. Talking, kissing, and sharing more about both our childhoods and lives. Around midday he went inside to make us dinner. He dismissed all my offers to help so I wandered around the sitting room for a while, looking at the pictures and decorative items.

There were a lot of pictures of Remus as a child, smiling and waving excitedly at the camera, but as he came of school age they decreased in number. And there seemed to be no pictures of him after he was around fifteen.

So I moved on to the wood items scattered around the room. His grandmother truly was gifted. There were squirrels, flowers, dogs, cats, trees, birds... In both statues and reliefs, all very lifelike. The coffee table looked like it was her work, and the shelves, and a couple of chairs. It was amazing. I wish I could have known her.

I went back to the kitchen, Remus was stirring a pot while he magically chopped vegetables.

"Why are there so few pictures of you after school age?" I asked.

He stopped in mid stir and a sad look crossed his face.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's okay, I just..." He continued working the food. "I didn't like what the wolf did to me, physically. I always looked so tired and scrawny, not that I wasn't scrawny before. And I aged before my time, as I'm sure you can see." He smiled crookedly. "So I began avoiding cameras like the plague. I still do."

"Would you let me take your picture? I want one of you the way you are now."

"Why would you want that? I look old, and sick, and I'm not photogenic at all."

"You don't look old and sick. You don't look exactly your age, but I like the way you look." I walked over to him and let my fingers slip gently in to his hair, he closed his eyes for a moment, the chopping and stirring paused. "I think you're very handsome."

His aura began pulsing furiously as he looked into my eyes, searching for a lie. When he couldn't find one, he bent his head and gave me a quick kiss. "Okay, I give you, and _only you_ , permission to take _one_ picture of me as I am now."

"Good. I'll bring my camera tomorrow." I smiled and backed up to lift myself onto a counter. I watched him work in concentration on our meal, his back to me. He may be thin, gaunt and have a few gray hairs, but there was not one person in this world that was more beautiful to me.

"Bloody sexy is what you are," I whispered to myself, momentarily forgetting that Remus had better hearing than regular people.

He turned his head discreetly in my direction, I could tell he wanted to pretend he hadn't heard. There was a smug smile on his lips as he turned back to the food.

...

After dinner Remus and I had planned to go outside again, to enjoy the fresh summer air. But we never got that far. It was all ruined when Remus attempted to do one of the things he had mentioned earlier today, kissing me across the dining table. That one kiss was not enough for either of us.

Remus retreated to sit down, as I stared into his eyes, but before his bum even made contact with the chair, he pushed it back and walked around the table. He pulled me up and immediately our lips met again. For a short moment I could taste the vegetable stew on him, but it was soon replaced by his own unique taste.

Both my hands had a firm hold of his shirt, to keep him close, while his hands slid from my cheeks to my hair. His tongue glided over my bottom lip, asking for permission to come in and play. Without hesitation I opened my mouth and greeted him. The hum between us was so strong I could hear it.

Quickly our excitement and desperation for each other increased. Remus gently guided me towards the sofa, where we sat down, never breaking our kiss. I let go of his shirt and instead let my hands slide towards his chest, and then up around his neck. He now took the opportunity of me clinging to him by grabbing my top and pulling me with him as he leaned back into the sofa.

"No," I whispered against his lips. "This way." I took hold of his shirt again and leant backwards, bringing him down with me. I enjoyed being on top and in control, but there was just something so incredible about being trapped under his body, feelings his entire weight, every little part of him on me.

Remus knew I preferred it this way, I could feel him smile against my lips.

I let my hands wander, as our tongues played and danced. Across his chest, up and down his arms, to his back and down to his butt, and then up to tangle in his hair, tugging gently.

He left my lips and trailed kisses across my jaw and down to my neck and shoulder. There was one spot there, by my collar bone that was incredibly sensitive. Remus loved licking this spot, because of my reaction. It was no different this time, delighted moans slipped past my lips and I arched my body towards his as heat flowed to my crotch.

Once again I felt an almost overwhelming need to be closer to him, be under his skin, feel all of him. As he returned to my lips, I wrapped one leg around him, arching my lower half into him, and I could feel him harden in response to me. I let my hands wander again, to his front, down and under his shirt. It was like electricity shot through my hands. Skin, scars, hair.

All of a sudden Remus started pulling back.

"No no no no," I muttered against his lips.

"We need to stop," he said. I raised my head and kissed him again. But then his lips left mine with a pop, my hands slipped out from his shirt and he sat up. Leaving me quite flushed and confused.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"We need to stop, cool down."

I put a hand over my eyes, trying to catch my breath. "Remus, please," I said when I could breathe normally again. "I respect you and your decisions. But I am growing a _little bit_ frustrated here." 'Little bit' being the understatement of the year. I sat up, looking into his pained eyes. "Every time we get a little bit carried away, on our way to take this further, you pull back. Why? Is there something wrong with me? Don't you want me?" My voice was almost inaudible at the end of that question. Yes, Remus was very into everything we did, he wanted to be around me every day, but when I made it very clear I wanted to be closer and he never wanted to cross that line, it made a poor girl wonder.

"By Merlin, no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Niamh." He took my hands, his gaze piercing. "I want you, terribly so, you have no idea how much. I just... I- I can't."

He couldn't mean that he was literally unable to perform the act, because the evidence of his excitement had been very clear against my hips just a minute ago. It was something else. "Why, Remus?" My voice cracked on his name. I was so in love with him, I wanted all of him in every way, but he wouldn't let me. It hurt.

"I-I just- I-" He shook his head, let go of my hands and turned around on the couch, sitting forwards, resting his head in his hands.

I scooted closer. "Is it because I was your student?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Then what is it, Remus? Talk to me." I sat even closer, put a hand on his neck, gazing at him.

He raised his head, staring into the air for a few moments, before turning to me. I hoped he could see the need and care in my eyes. "You're fifteen years younger than me, Niamh. You're still a teenager for Merlin's sake."

At first, that stung. But the past few weeks made that statement illogical. "If you were worried about my age, you wouldn't have been with me the past few weeks. You wouldn't have gone out with me in public. You wouldn't have kissed me in your office. You know I'm older in my head than I am on paper."

We stared at each other. Almost as if daring the other to end our relationship.

Then I made a decision. "Listen to me now." I made sure I had his full attention, then breathed to gather courage. "I'm in love with you."

"I know," he interrupted before I could continue.

I blinked, that was not the response I expected. "You _know_?"

"Yes," he smiled now. "You let it slip back on July 1st. When you told me about ending your friendship with Miss Clowes."

"I did?"

He nodded.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I tried, but it didn't seem like you were aware that you had said it. So I thought I should let you tell me when you were ready."

I sighed. "This is exactly why I am in love with you, because you are such an amazing man." The fact that he had known for a while made me braver. "I am in love with you, Remus John Lupin." I spoke each word clearly. "I want you, all of you. Man, werewolf and all."

Suddenly he jumped up, looking livid. "That's the thing, Niamh, I'm a werewolf! Don't you understand how dangerous I am?"

"I understand fully. I've read the books, I've had the lectures, I've heard the stories, I've heard you without the Wolfsbane potion. But I'm not afraid."

"None of that can compare to the reality of it, living it. I am poor because of it. I can't hold down a bloody job because of it! People shy away from me on the street now that the secret is out, the word has spread like fire." He was growing loud, waving wildly with his hands. "I am a monster. Just look at me!" He gestured to his face, his body, and then he raised his shirt.

I had never seen that much of him before, only touched. There were several old long scars, and one that looked very fresh. It must be from the night that Sirius Black escaped.

"I'm all scars and wounds and bones." The shirt fell down.

I took a few steps towards him. "You're flesh and blood and heat. I love the way you look. My head spin just by seeing your image in my head. Did you know most women find scars sexy?"

"There's nothing sexy about being a bloody monster." He stepped back. "I don't want you to be in danger because of me. People will shy away from you too, if you're with me. I've seen the way they look at you when we're out. I'm old and poor and dangerous, and you... You have your whole life ahead of you. Your parents would hate me for ruining their daughter's bright future, your entire life. Even if this, _us_ , doesn't work out, you will be known as the girl who was involved with the werewolf. I shouldn't have let this go on for so long."

"Then why did you?"

"Because... Because..." There was pain in his eyes as he searched for an answer. "Because I haven't been strong enough to stay away from you."

"So you've just been leading me on during these weeks we've had together, knowing that one day you would leave me? You've just taken advantage of me, waiting for the perfect moment to break my heart?" Instead of being pleading, I was now angry at how stupid this was, how stupid he was.

"I have _not_ been leading you on or taken advantage of you! We've been equal in this, but we can't anymore. You want more and I can't give that to you. We have to end this now, while I still have some strength left."

"We have not been equal in this if your intension all along was to chuck me out like yesterday's garbage once things got too serious for you!"

"My intension was to not get too involved, to not let you get too involved."

"Well, that's too bloody late now, isn't it? If you've known for weeks that I'm in love with you, don't you think it was _too effing late_ then? Still, you wanted to be with me!"

"Because I-"

"Because you weren't strong enough to stay away, yes, you said that already! Did you ever think that you weren't supposed to stay away?"

"It doesn't matter." He was now quiet, almost mumbling to himself. "I can't give you what you want. This can't go on, for your own sake."

"For my own sake?" I tried to quiet down too, shouting would get us nowhere. "What about your own sake? Are you supposed to sit here all alone for the rest of your life, just because you get a little bit hairy once a month? I don't want anything else from you than _you_. And I am willing to give myself to you in return. To hell with what other people may say, as long as I have you I couldn't care less about them. Besides, my parents will support me whatever I choose."

"You don't know that. Have you even told your parents about me, about us?"

"No, I-"

"Because deep down you realise that this is wrong!" he interrupted.

"They know I am with someone!" I raised my voice again to get through to him. "But I haven't told them your name or anything, I wanted to wait until I was sure we had something with a future."

"Which you have to understand that we don't have. We can't."

"Well, unless you come up with a better reason than concern about what people I don't care about thinks, or about how dangerous you might be, when I am more than capable of defending myself, I am not backing down on this."

He stared dumbfounded at me for a moment, glee spreading throughout me when it didn't look like he had a better reason, but the glee quickly vanished when he turned and ran out the door.

I bolted after him. "Remus!" I called out. There was a faint pop, but I wouldn't believe he had gone. I looked around outside. "Remus! Come back!" But he _was_ gone.


	17. Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

I couldn't believe Remus was gone. I couldn't believe he didn't see that there was nothing I wanted more than to be with him, no matter what that involved. People could have their narrow-minded opinions, they didn't matter to me. They never had. I even pushed my best friend away because she couldn't swallow her own stupidity and be happy for me.

Defeated and devastated I sat down right there on the grass outside of the house. I wanted to scream and cry out my frustration and misery, but I refused to do so, swallowing the lump in my throat again and again and again. It wouldn't get him back, wouldn't make him understand.

I sat there for several minutes, staring at nothing, while it was slowly getting darker. Bugs came fluttering. After I'd swatted tens of them away from my face, I came back to myself and walked in.

The rest of the dinner was still on the table. I decided that I would clean away our meal and then wait for Remus to come home. He had to understand.

Quickly I waved my wand to banish the rest of the food and then to levitate the plates and cutlery to the sink. I could have used _Scourgify_ on them, but I wanted to be distracted for a while, so I cleaned them the Muggle way, grateful that Remus had the tools for that in his kitchen.

It was quite therapeutic to scrub the plates, use brute force to make them clean and spotless, letting water and soap splatter all over the place. Though it didn't fully distract me, I did feel that my thoughts were clearer.

I had to talk to my parents.

After I had finished up in the kitchen, I went to the fireplace in the sitting room and found a small pot of Floo powder on the mantelpiece. After casting _Incendio_ to start a fire, I tossed some powder into the flames and knelt down, stuck my head into the green flames and called out: "Farraday House!"

My head swirled around in a sickening way until I saw the sitting room at home. "Mum! Dad!" I called out. "Are you home?"

It didn't take long before I heard approaching footsteps and both of them coming into the room.

"Niamh!" dad said. "What are you doing there? Is everything alright? Where are you?" They kneeled down to my height.

"No one is physically harmed, but things aren't quite alright. I'm at Remus' house."

"Who's Remus?"

"It's clearly the boyfriend, Bran," mum whispered, playfully nudging dad in the ribs.

"Yes, Remus is my... boyfriend, I think. There is something I need to tell you about him. He is most likely not what you expect him to be." I could see a frown on mum's face and that familiar crease between dad's eyes deepening. "He's quite a bit older than me." I paused. It wasn't that I was afraid to tell them, but the age difference and everything with Remus and I _was_ a bit unconventional.

"That's no surprise," mum said.

"By fifteen years," I continued.

Mum's jaw dropped and dad's eyebrows almost disappeared into his hair. "Where on earth did you meet this man?" dad asked.

"At school. He was my Defence Against the Dark Arts professor."

The jaw dropped even lower, the eyebrows were now completely gone. "Niamh!" mum hissed. "What's gotten into you? Weren't your Defence professor the werewolf we read about?"

I had forgotten about that, the Daily Prophet's piece on Dumbledore's insane idea to hire a 'dark creature' to educate the future of the Magical World.

"Remus is a werewolf, yes." I was feeling a bit scared now. Dad could have quite a temper when properly angered. Mum never got angry, but she would get disappointed and give you such a cold shoulder it physically hurt.

"Before you say anything about how stupid you think I am, can I talk?"

"Can't you come over here and talk?" dad asked.

"I am _not_ leaving this house. Remus and I had a fight because he can't understand that I don't care that he's a werewolf, and he left. I will not leave until he comes back and I can talk sense into him."

Both of them stared at me in a 'someone-should-talk-sense-into- _you_ ' way, but I set my jaw hard and refused to budge for _anything_. "Fine," they said in unison.

"First; you would be pleased to know that we never did anything we shouldn't at school. He is too much of a gentleman for that. That is one of the things I love about him. I found out about his lycanthropy long before the rest of the school, but I still cared for him, I still felt safe and comfortable around him. He has never done anything to me or anyone else at school. Merlin knows he's had plenty of chances. He was everyone's favourite teacher until they found out that he is a werewolf. The majority of the school suddenly saw nothing but the monster that only appears once a month. He is so unlike that monster as he can possibly be. Kind, caring, talented, funny, warm-"

I had to pause, that lump came back in my throat. I swallowed several times, before I continued. "My Patronus is a werewolf. It became corporeal after our first kiss."

No one said anything. I could almost see the house elves working in my parents' head. Mum and dad looked at each other. I knew that they were communicating in that strange way that only they could. Eventually they looked at me again.

"We're not sure about this, Niamh," mum said. "It's a lot of things that could go wrong here. What will people say?"

"I don't care, mum. Why _should_ I care what other people think as long as I'm happy?"

"You're right, you shouldn't care."

"But what about the dangers?" dad interjected.

I narrowed my eyes. "What dangers? He is a perfect gentleman, or as gentlemanlike as I let him be. When he's transformed he's locking himself in a cage in the basement that is extremely well warded. He's been using it since he was 4, he still hasn't broken out of it. But if I have something to say, he will take the Wolfsbane potion every month. Even if I have to work my ass off to pay for it and force it down his throat."

"You really do love him, don't you?" dad said, looking thoughtfully at me.

"I do."

"And your Patronus actually takes his werewolf shape?" mum asked.

"I haven't seen him as a werewolf, I doubt he would ever let me, but it was indistinguishable until after our first kiss. And he hasn't said it _isn't_ him."

Dad shook his head in confusion. "Are you sure you're not confunded, Niamh? This just isn't like you. We can understand about your fascination for older boys, but this one..." Dad shook his head again. "Your professor, of all things. What kind of morals does this man even have, going after a student like that?"

"I already said we didn't do anything we shouldn't have done at school!" Then I blushed. "Okay, so we kissed a couple of times, but it was very innocent." It hadn't been innocent on my part, considering how I reacted physically to each of them. But that was not something my parents needed to know.

Mum's eyes bugged out at what I had said. Before she managed to say anything about it, I continued. "Don't act like it's the scandal of the century! I'm sure we're not the first couple in history to fall for each other in that setting. But that doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter how we met, or what he is, all that matters is how we feel about each other? Right?"

" _That_ is all that matters, but..." I could see that dad tried hard to find some argument against me. "He's a werewolf."

"Do you really think Dumbledore would have hired him if he was dangerous?"

They both made agreeing sounds.

"Did I mention that my Patronus, my _Patronus_ , is a werewolf?"

"How bad can he be if her Patronus takes the form of his darkest side?" mum asked dad.

Dad sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "If you really love him and believe you are safe with him, it's alright with us. But we really should meet him as soon as possible, to see for ourselves if you are correct about him."

"Oh, thank you, dad, mum! I'd hug you, but I don't want to leave here. And of course you can meet him, I just have to make him see reason first."

They both smiled at me.

"But the real reason I Flooed you, was to tell you that I probably won't come home tonight, as I'm sure you've understood already. I have no idea when I will be home. He ran out of the house and I have to wait for him and fix this."

"If you really love each other, why would he run away from you like that?" dad voiced his last concerns.

"Because he doesn't think I'll be safe with him. He doesn't think I deserve him. Which is bollocks. I haven't felt safer or happier in my entire life."

"That's something, I suppose." Dad looked impressed.

"Just be careful. And if you need anything, let us know straight away." Mum fixed me with that 'don't-you-dare-disagree' stare.

"I promise. I love you, both of you."

"We love you too, Niamh."

I pulled back, my head swirling again, until I was completely back in Remus' sitting room.

The room was dark, the sun had set. I waved my wand to light the lamps throughout the house. I listened for any sounds, but the house was eerily quiet. Remus was still gone.

I sighed. Then I filled a goblet of water, emptied it in one gulp, and sat down in the sofa to wait. Leaning back and staring into the wall in front of me.

Feeling lonely I conjured the werewolf Patronus. It didn't help much, I had gotten so used to having the real Remus around me. But I enjoyed watching it prance around the room, lighting the dark corners.

...

I have no idea when I fell asleep or how long I had been asleep, when I suddenly woke up from a soft pop outside. I sat up, checked my cheek for drool, and looked expectantly at the door. The lamps had gone out while I slept, so it was now pitch dark.

The door opened slowly and Remus stepped through. I recognized his tall silhouette against the moonlight from outside.

"Remus," I breathed. A ball of light appeared in front of him and lit up his face. He was looking livid.


	18. What My Parents Have, Now Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

"Remus," I said again, delighted that he was back, but also, for the first time, afraid of him. He looked positively furious. I had stayed behind to try and fix us, maybe I shouldn't have, because now he was clearly angry with me. I had never seen him angry like that before.

I had those thoughts and a million more rushing through me in a matter of seconds.

"Niamh," Remus then said, his voice scratchier than I had ever heard it. "You're still here."

I couldn't determine what he meant by it, if he was mad at me or happy to see me. "I can go... If you want to." I felt and sounded like a child facing execution by the almighty Merlin.

He stepped closer and his face changed, the anger disappeared. "You just surprised me, I didn't think you'd stay."

"Of course I'd stay, there was no question. But I borrowed some Floo powder so I could talk to my parents."

Tension took over Remus' entire being. When I didn't continue he urged me on. "And?"

"They're fine with it, with _us_."

"Just like that?"

"No, not just like that. They had some concerns at first, but once I told them about what a wonderful man you are, about my Patronus, they gave their blessings."

"Why?"

"Remus Lupin, sometimes you can be disturbingly thick. I know what a wonderful man you are and they trust my judgement of you." I sat down on the sofa again. "I told them I wouldn't come home until I had fixed everything between us."

"You can't fix it, Niamh. We can't be together, it's not good for you, not safe for you."

"Oh, bollocks, Remus! Listen to me. My Patronus represent _you_ , it takes the form of something that, right now, lies dormant deep within your soul. It showed itself fully after our first kiss. The part of my soul that was missing was you. Nothing else came to me during that time that could have been the missing piece. Unless you count the amazing chocolate mousse the house elves made that one day. Once I had you, everything fell into place. The vibration in the air between us, do you know what that is?"

He nodded, still standing in the middle of the floor between the kitchen and the living room. The ball of light hovering in front of him, being the only source of light. "I've researched it. ut what do you believe it is?"

"I realised it after being around my parents since I left school. It's the same thing that I can feel from them, when they are in the same room together. Their auras, or magic or whatever the source is, must be reacting to each other. It feels different from them, because I am not part of what binds them together, I am an outsider. But here, with you, I am on the inside, I am part of the magic. What surges between us is the same."

Remus stared at me, letting no expression show. I was curious to what his theory was, but I didn't dare start a discussion about it now. We could do that later.

I stood up and walked towards him, but stopping a few metres away, in case he decided to throw a fit again. "I am in love with you, Remus. I- I love you. I know you know. Why can't you let that be enough? That I want to be with you no matter what people say, no matter what you are, no matter..." I felt tears pressing behind my eyes, but I blinked them away. "Enough no matter what."

Remus closed his eyes. I sensed a change in the hum between us. When he had first come in it had been very slow, almost nonexistent, now it became very erratic. It made me nervous. What on earth was going on inside his head now?

He opened his eyes again and looked directly at me with those beautiful amber eyes. It made my heart beat faster and my head spin slightly. Somehow it gave me hope. Then he took two long steps towards me, eyes darkening.

The vibrations calmed. They didn't lose intensity, but they were once again settled. And then Remus put both hands on either side of my head and kissed me. Pressing his lips hard against mine, without hurting me. I sighed, letting my entire body relax against his. I had to wrap my arms around him so I wouldn't fall. This made him laugh, he let go of my lips, and held me to him, making sure I could stand more efficiently.

"I have that much of an effect on you?"

"You have no idea," I whispered against his chest.

"I've fallen in love with you too, Niamh. I need you to know that."

My breath hitched as he spoke those words into my hair.

He continued. "I'll always worry about you, for as long as we're together. But I don't think I can handle letting you go. Now, while I was away, I cou-" He took a deep breath, I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against my cheek, then he continued. "I had made a conscious decision about staying out of your life when I ran out. It hurt me, physically. When I realised I couldn't leave you, the pain went away. I was still hesitant though, as I'm sure you felt. But seeing you still here, still wanting me... And imagining my life without you is painful. I had no choice. The wolf in me made sure I had no choice."

I was confused. "You had no choice?" I asked in a whisper.

"At Hogwarts I researched the hum between us. Do you want to know what I found out?"

I nodded against him.

"I wasn't sure about what I had learned was true, but while I was away from you during the last full moon my theories was confirmed. Because I hurt then too, not from the transformation, well that too, but also because the wolf didn't know where you were. The werewolf in me recognizes you as its mate. It's been known to happen before. You tune into me because the wolf wants to draw you in, and I tune into you because... Well, because the wolf sees you as its and my mate. That's why it feels different from what you feel from your parents. I'm guessing they are both very powerful magically?"

I didn't answer right away, I was so shocked about all this that it took me a few seconds to realise he was waiting for an answer. "Yes, they are," I finally managed to say.

"It's not uncommon for two powerful people who truly love each other and are magically bonded to emit some kind of energy. You wouldn't feel anything from less powerful people. But this between us is just a werewolf and its mate drawing each other in, making sure we actually recognize each other for what we are. Now, because I have been known to be magically powerful, and you certainly seem to be, if we were to one day be bonded..."

He let the end of the sentence speak for itself. If we were to be bonded once day, we would most likely emit the same kind of energy that my parents did. So he had thought about bonding with me, even if it was in that context. I liked that. I liked that so much that my heart started beating furiously in my chest, I was positive Remus could both hear and feel it, as I was still pressed against him in an embrace.

_A werewolf and its mate..._ It sounded like I was an animal. But weren't we all, in the big picture? Besides, my soul, my Patronus and protector, was an animal, a werewolf no less. His soul was also a werewolf, if only just a part of it. Were we really two pieces of one?

I was grateful he hadn't let me go, that he just held me and let me process this new information.

I took several deep breaths, smelling him, feeling the rough fabric of his shirt against my cheek, feeling his steady breaths, hearing his heartbeat. Vibrations surrounding us. It made me feel complete. Safe, home, and so happy I was sure my heart would explode. Smiling to myself, I twisted my right hand, let the palm face the room and thought two words loudly and clearly in my mind. Warmth flooded into my hand and a bright beam of light shot out of my hand and transformed into a bright werewolf.

It smiled up at me before it bounced happily around us, around and around and around.

Remus took my shoulders and held me at arm's length. "What? Did you - ? I didn't hear you cast any charm and your wand is on the table!"

"Wandless and non-verbal." I shrugged as if it was no big deal, but still smiled smugly. "I just felt like I could do it. My first ever successful attempt."

Once again Remus attacked my lips. Caressing mine with his, if you could call it caressing with that intensity he had going on. My hands went back around his waist, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, his hands deep in my hair. It was already clear that I would finally get what I had been so close to getting too many times the last few weeks.

Remus pushed me gently backwards, to the sofa. We sat down, and I leaned backwards, bringing him with me. Being impatient, I let my tongue glide over his lips. He responded immediately by letting me in. The touch of his tongue sent exhilarated sparks throughout my body, all settling in one particular place.

For the second time that day I could feel Remus reacting to me. Instinctively I arched my hips upwards, rubbing against his hardness, drawing a moan from him. Now he was getting impatient, he broke our kiss and began pulling off my top. I wriggled around to help him, but that almost made me fall off the couch.

"I think the sofa's too narrow, Remus," I laughed.

"I do think you are right." He smiled down at me with that incredibly sexy and playful smile. "Come on." And he stood up, took my hand and led me up the stairs.

I felt a little self conscious rushing up the stairs after him, my shirt was off and he was still fully clothed. And I was deadly afraid that breaking the moment and trying to create it again would just make everything awkward.

Remus led me into the master bedroom, which he hadn't showed me on the tour when we arrived that morning. But I didn't have time to take it in now, because as soon as I stepped through the door, Remus pulled me to him and ravished my lips again.

We quickly found the bed and fell down on top of it. Remus now began dropping kisses all over my neck. I tried to get his shirt up, wanting to feel his skin against me for the first time. But he distracted me by kissing down my shoulders and collar bone. He kept teasing me by almost, but never going lower than the top of my breast.

Again I tried to lift his shirt, but then Remus did go further down and kissed the skin right above the hem of my bra. I gasped in surprise, but didn't stop my attempt to undress him. When I did he moved and kissed the bra-covered nipple, licked the cleavage, lightly bit my skin, making me almost lose my focus. Clearly he didn't want me to undress him.

If this was going to happen the way it was supposed to, skin on skin in heated passion, instead of skin on clothes in uncomfortable passion, I had to do something. Gently, but firmly, I turned us around so Remus was below me.

I sat up a bit, leaning on my arms and looking down on him, feeling that hard treat right behind me. His brown and grey hair fell away from his eyes, which were dark, almost black, with lust. I felt a stirring deep inside me, realising just how much I loved the man underneath me, how it had progressed so quickly in such a short time.

I leant down, pressing my lips to his quickly before I kissed every scar on his face, counting them in my head at the same time. Two long and four small. Then I proceeded to distract him by letting my tongue fight his for dominance. This gave me the opportunity to quickly unbutton his shirt and pull it to the side. Remus froze and broke the kiss, but I looked firmly into his eyes, shaking my head.

"Do you want to do this right or not?" I noticed that my voice was quite ragged.

He relaxed a little bit. I took that as an opportunity to completely remove the shirt, with a bit of his help.

He had several more scars across his chest and abdomen, more than I could count by looking at them. But instead of feeling disgust, which I knew I wouldn't, or pity, which I hoped I wouldn't, I felt even more turned on. A purring sound came from my throat.

Then I leaned forward again, wet my lips and planted them on Remus' chest, feeling his chest hair tickle me. He shuddered under me and relaxed completely. I went on and gave these scars the same treatment as those on his face. Kissing some of them, letting my tongue follow the rest of them from beginning to end. 5 long and painful looking, 33 smaller. Counting them helped me keep control over my actions and not melt into a puddle at the skin contact.

Remus' breath was quickening with every touch of my mouth, moaning every now and then. His hands grabbing the sheets under him, tighter the lower I got.

I loved having such power over him, I might enjoy being on top more than I realised.

I was now at the hem of his pants, having followed the small trail of hair down. Remus was now squirming under me. I smiled against him, unbuttoning his pants, pulling them slowly down. The clear evidence of his excitement was there, rising up in his underwear when the restriction of the pants was gone. I saw more scars on his legs, and bite marks.

He _had_ to let me buy him the Wolfsbane potion.

On my way back up I slowly kissed his thighs, but before I came all the way up to his underwear, Remus seemed to have had enough. He roughly flipped us over again and attacked my mouth. At the same time he amazingly enough managed to remove my bra and unzip my shorts. The remaining clothes were gone so quickly I didn't have time to understand what he was doing. His own underwear was off in a rush and then he was on top of me again.

Like the gentleman he was, he stopped and looked into my eyes, his expression a little glazed. "Last chance to get out of this."

"Never," I whispered hoarsely, and smiled. "I'm all yours. Just take it easy on me."

"You've never done this before?" he asked disbelievingly.

I shook my head.

"You're giving me yo-" Remus sighed affectionately. "Completely sure?"

"Yes," I breathed and closed my eyes, steeling myself against the pain that would come.

Remus positioned himself at my entrance, I gasped at the feeling. Then he leaned down to kiss me. It was one of the most breathtaking kisses yet, it was like he was pouring his life into me and taking my life into him in return. I moaned against him, forgetting everything else, until I gasped in pain as something broke inside me.

He had pushed straight in, distracting me with the kiss, which I loved him for. I was certainly wet enough for him to manage it without trouble. We didn't move for several minutes, except for the gentle kisses Remus placed on my cheek.

The pain slowly subsided, I could feel him pulsate inside me, and I felt ready to go on. Signalling to Remus by moving my hips upwards, he began moving. I had expected it to be more pleasurable after the pain had gone, but it wasn't. It didn't hurt, far from it, because I was quite turned on, and it was _Remus_ that was stroking my insides, but I could feel that it wasn't enough to let me orgasm. It was a little disappointing, after hearing the excited whispers of the girls at school, but now I had a feeling they had been lying slightly.

I moved with Remus, finding a rhythm together. He had his lips on my shoulder, sucking and kissing, marking me, biting lightly. I ran my hands through his hair, moaning, more from the pleasure his lips gave me than the act itself.

It didn't take long before I could tell that Remus was close to release, his jaw was set and he was moving jaggedly, clearly he was holding back to wait for me. But I knew I wouldn't come, no matter how long he could hold back, not this time.

"Let go, Remus," I whispered in his ear. "It's okay. Come for me, love. Come for me." I as good as breathed the last part, coaxing him to let his control go. I remembered something Tia had told me once, about clenching certain muscles and how the men loved it, so I tried it. Clenching and unclenching my inner muscles to the best of my limited ability, while gently nibbling on Remus' earlobe.

"I love you, Remus, come for me," I repeated. And it seemed like it was finally his undoing. His movements quickened for a few seconds, and I felt him spill inside me and heard him groan out my name. He then rested his head in the crook of my neck while he got his breath back.

I stroked his hair and his back, until he slipped out of me and rolled off. Even though it hadn't been as pleasurable as I thought it should be, I missed the feeling of fullness.

"I'm sorry I couldn't hold on any longer," he said and pulled some hair away from my face. "It's been ages and you're so beautiful it's hard to hold back."

I blushed and smiled. "It's okay, Remus. Don't worry. I did talk you into it."

He shook his head. "It's not okay. I'm sorry I couldn't make it more pleasurable for you."

"I didn't expect fireworks the first time," I told him. "We'll just have to try again. And again. And again. Practice makes perfect, isn't that what people say?" I was now smirking.

"I love you," Remus said and grinned, then kissed me. His hands began wandering down my body, creating a path of fire with his fingers. "I could still help you find pleasure tonight, if you want? If you're not too sore?" His voice was dangerously low in my ear.

My eyes fluttered close as he placed a gentle kiss on my left breast. His hands had stopped their wandering. One of them used the forefinger and the middle finger to 'walk' slowly down, past my navel and stop right before they reached the most interesting place.

"Do you want me to pleasure you?" The fingers were 'tripping' impatiently on the spot.

"Y-yes," I breathed, amazed at how turned on I still was. "Please."

But nothing happened. Remus lay completely still. In confusion I opened my eyes and looked at him. Clearly he had been waiting for that, because the moment we locked eyes he 'walked' all the way down and found my clitoris, making me arch against his hand and moan his name.

That simple touch made it feel like I hadn't just broken my hymen, like I hadn't just had sex for the first time without coming. All the blood rushed to the bundle of nerves Remus was gently rubbing between his fingers, and more wetness filled my vagina.

My hands were rubbing the sheets for something to do. But as Remus put a warm kiss on my right nipple they grabbed a fistful each. I opened my eyes to look at what he was doing. He was sucking and licking on my breast, the skin on my chest nothing but goose bumps. Suddenly his teeth grazed my nipple, and I sucked in a deep breath. His eyes met mine and I could see him smirk against my skin.

I let my gaze wander down the length of his arm, to where it ended between my thighs. I felt his fingers rub over my clitoris and down to my opening, never even half an inch inside. Then they came back up again. Up and down. Up and down. Sometimes he pinched the button on his way, sometimes he pressed hard against it. I was feeling so much pleasure I didn't know what to do with myself. That was when he changed gears.

Remus moved himself a bit closer to be able to reach my other breast, licking his way over. I could feel him begin to harden again against my thigh and it made exhilarated sparks shoot through me. His fingers made their way down towards my hole. At the same time his teeth bit down on my nipple, one of his fingers slipped inside. My entire back arched up. I held so tight to the sheets my hands hurt, except that I was so busy with other feelings that to notice it. A squeal of some sort left my throat, and I could hardly breathe.

I couldn't believe how sensitive I was. I was no stranger so masturbation, and had spent some very nice moments with my own hands exploring my nether regions. But this was so much more, so much better, so incredibly different.

Remus' finger moved slowly in and out as his lips went back and forth between my breasts. He used his teeth more and more, scraping at the skin, taking each nipple between his teeth and pulling. I didn't know what else to do than put my hands in his hair to make sure he never stopped.

A second finger slipped inside and I moaned at being filled up a bit more. His fingers were so delightfully long he could reach almost all the way in. Slowly, he pulled them almost all the way out, before moving back in a bit faster. Slowly out, faster in. Slowly out, faster in. Suddenly he curved them on the way out and found my g-spot.

I came so abruptly I couldn't even make a sound. My eyes squeezed shut, my mouth opened widely in a silent 'ah' and my entire body was strung tight like a rope being pulled at both ends. But the rush subsided quickly. I noticed that Remus wasn't kissing my breasts anymore and I opened my eyes. He was staring at me with lust filled eyes and a wondrous smile on his lips. Then he removed his fingers, I sighed at the loss. He put them into his mouth, licked them clean, and with a rough shove slid them back inside me. As far as he could reach.

He leaned towards me and captured my moan with a kiss. Out of curiosity I had tasted myself before, but I hadn't liked it. I tasted myself now, in the kiss. But I could also taste his semen, from earlier. Surprisingly, I liked the combination. Hungrily and without asking for permission I stuck my tongue into his mouth, searching for more of that sweet taste. He kissed me back with the same passion, our tongues wrestling together while his fingers moved faster with every stroke, curved with every outwards move, like he was digging for treasure.

We continued in this fashion for several minutes, only breaking the kiss to take a quick breath. Then he asked hoarsely against my lips: "Can you take a third finger?"

I nodded eagerly. My virginity was gone, there was nothing left to break and I wanted Remus to do whatever he wanted to me. "Yes, yes, yes," I replied breathlessly.

The third finger joined the other two and I could not imagine anything better at that moment. Again Remus attacked my breast, sparing nothing this time. It had to leave bruises, bite marks and love bites. He moved faster and faster inside me, long strokes with his long fingers. A thumb jabbing at my clitoris at every inwards move. I moaned and whimpered and made all kinds of incoherent sounds. Never had I been this vocal.

This time I could feel the orgasm coming. My breath was so quick and heavy I almost couldn't find enough oxygen to function. A warm tingle began in my toes. Remus' fingers moved faster, harder. The tingle travelled up my legs, my thighs and exploded around Remus' hand. I heard someone scream desperately. My body was rigid, fists hard at my side, head bent backwards. The explosion travelled up my body, blood pounding in my head, the nipple that Remus was pulling at so sensitive it almost hurt. It went back down again, and now I could feel my vagina contracting around Remus' fingers.

He slowed his movements as my orgasm subsided. Eventually my body relaxed and I was starting to get my breathing back. Remus still held his fingers deep inside me, but they were still now. I opened my eyes to look at him. He was smiling. I smiled too.

"I had no idea you could be this loud," he said. I heard arousal in his voice.

"I suppose I was the one screaming?" I asked. He nodded. "I heard, but I didn't know who it was or where it came from."

"It was all you, love." He slowly slid his fingers out of me. Now that all my senses were back to their regular jobs, I heard the wet sound as he withdrew. Once again he licked his fingers clean; he even licked most of his hand. Clearly I had leaked a bit.

"You're hard again," I commented, gently rubbing my thigh against his erection.

"How could I not be? With you being so gorgeous, tasting so amazing and being so vocal." He smiled. "But it's okay, it will settle down."

"After what you just did for me, I'm more than happy to help you," I offered. I felt some trepidation, having never used my hands or mouth on a man before, but very willing to try for Remus.

"Some other time, Niamh," he whispered, pulling me against him. "You're tired. I'm tired." He glanced out the window. "It's so late the sun is rising again. Let's get some sleep."

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure. Now that I have you, there's more than enough time to enjoy ourselves later. Good night. I love you, Niamh."

I looked up at his warm eyes, seeing his words reflected there. My heart almost burst with the same feelings. "Good night, Remus. I love you too."

He leaned down to kiss me. It was simple and quick, but just enough as I felt myself slip into oblivion. The last thing I knew was that Remus pulled the covers over us.

...

I slept deeply through the night, or rather the early morning. The sun was high through the window when I woke. It must be noon, or later.

Remus was still on his side, one arm under my head, the other lying in front of his face. I was facing him, both my hands in front of him, nearly touching his hand.

I suddenly remembered my parents. They must be aside themselves with worry. I said I didn't know when I would be back, but I should have called on them by now.

I carefully turned around to get out of the bed and do just that, when Remus stirred behind me. He pulled me back at the same time as he scooted closer, my back against his chest. Then I could feel his erection growing again, pressing against my butt. Warmth spread through me and wetness flooded my vagina. I couldn't remember what I was supposed to do.

Subconsciously I rubbed my butt slightly against him, and Remus groaned into my neck. I manage to twist my body around. He was wide awake, eyes darkening. Without thinking, I kissed him, hard. He responded in earnest. But then he suddenly broke away, and looked questioningly at me. I nodded. Then he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me onto my back. He positioned himself over me, guided his hardness towards my opening, and in one quick and efficient move, slid inside until he hit the bottom.

This time there was no pain, only immense pleasure. So much better than his fingers. We moved in perfect rhythm, both of us finding satisfaction together.


	19. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a teacher/student story, so if that's not your cup of tea, move on now!  
> Note: Main character's first name is Niamh. It is pronounced NEEV in this story.

Remus turned 38 today. He hadn't wanted much of a celebration, and it hadn't been, couldn't have been. There is a full on war going on outside the walls of his childhood home, _our_ home. No one really feel like celebrating anything. There had been too much tragedy and there was a tension in the air no matter what kind of day it was.

Still, I had tried to make this a good day for Remus. Earlier in the day Rubeus Hagrid and Bill and Arthur Weasley had popped by for a drink, with greetings from the rest of the Weasley family. Later I baked a cake and made a simple dinner for just Remus and me. We needed _some_ joy in our lives, and what better way than to celebrate the wizard I love.

Remus had appreciated what I had done to mark the day. After dinner we had spent the evening sitting in each other's arms, listening to the Wireless and reading. The day ended in the bedroom, doing what we did best. Afterwards Remus had fallen dead asleep just like he did every night, exhausted from worrying, day in and day out.

Even though I was tired too, I couldn't sleep. Instead I lay awake, watching Remus' sleeping form, his deep, regular breaths reminding me that he was indeed alive for one more day. Occasionally I stroked his hair, touched his cheek, which was rough with stubbles. Reminiscing...

...

We had been together for nearly four years now. Despite the war, it had been the happiest time of my life. It hadn't always been easy, but we had managed so far.

Last summer I finished my Auror training. Remus had been afraid that my involvement with him would seriously lessen my chances of ever being accepted into the training programme. I agreed and we kept our relationship secret from the general public for a long time. That hadn't been easy.

Everything was made worse when Voldemort came back around the time I finished my first year of training. The Ministry refused to acknowledge this, so at Remus' recommendation, I had been asked to join the Order of the Phoenix. This meant that I had to work that much harder, but at least it meant we now had a group of acquaintances that could care less if I was Remus' girlfriend. They were even happy for us. It's only now that I'm a fully qualified Auror that I feel confident enough with mentioning that I am involved with Remus. I'm employed, excellent at what I do, and they need me, so they can't dismiss me.

The Order of the Phoenix, under the leadership of Headmaster Dumbledore, worked to defeat Voldemort and his Death Eaters when the Ministry would not. When the Minister finally realised he had risen again, my Auror training was intensified, and the trainees were brought to real battles.

Not only was those three years in training hard on me physically, it was also hard economically. Hard work on very little pay, with Remus having odd jobs here and there on even less pay. It took its toll on our relationship. But we never left each other, no matter what came our way.

Truth be told, I couldn't function without him. I always thought I wanted a man that was independent and had his own life, someone I could be away from when the need came, so we wouldn't smother each other. I couldn't cope with being away from him too long, and he kept saying he needed me to remind him that he was human. Remus and I had been inseparable since we got together. Even when we were fighting over life or money or injustice, we went to bed each night being entirely civil, making love if the mood struck us, and then continue fighting the next day if we hadn't resolved our issues.

Our biggest fight had been over the Wolfsbane potion. It had been my greatest wish to buy it for him every month. But since it wasn't very profitable being an Auror trainee, I couldn't. I did get a small allowance from home while I was in training, but that wasn't enough either. I even begged my parents to give me more, to use on the potion alone, but for some strange reason they wouldn't give it to me.

But then Sirius Black came into our lives. Once I saw the great friendship between him and Remus, I went to Sirius for advice. I hoped he would give me pointers to cheap Apothecaries, or Potion Masters who were willing to make it for a cheap galleon or even free. But instead he said he would give me the money himself. Each month he would make sure a sufficient amount was transferred to my Gringotts account.

Sirius said he had thought about buying the Wolfsbane potion himself, but knew that Remus would never accept it. He was more optimistic about me giving it to Remus. So we decided I should say that my second year of Auror training paid more, to hide the increase of money.

Remus did accept the Wolfsbane potion from me. But he had been so angry once I told him that he had shouted at the top of his lungs and actually left. He had been gone for half a day, and I was worried out of my mind. But he came back around midnight, apologizing profoundly. That night I learned how incredibly hot make up sex could be.

After Sirius died, Harry Potter inherited all of his belongings and riches. Thankfully Harry agreed to let the monthly money transfer continue until we could afford it ourselves. Which we did last summer, when I became a fully trained Auror. The pay was amazing, and finally one worry and reason for fighting was gone.

...

Aside from the strain of too many worries and frustrations we had also experienced loss. When Voldemort had come back, during the end of the Triwizard Tournament, Sirius also came back to stay. Remus had been thrilled to finally get his old friend back. During that first year of the war, we practically lived at the headquarters of the Order, Sirius childhood home. So I got to see a little bit of how Remus and Sirius, and also James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, must have wreaked havoc at Hogwarts.

But during a battle at the Ministry, Sirius was murdered. Remus did not handle that well. He held up a brave face in public, but at home he would crumble like a child. It took months before he was himself again. I too, was devastated, but I hadn't known Sirius the way Remus did. And now he had lost his friend a second time.

Then, just a year later, Dumbledore had been murdered. Right at Hogwarts, by someone we thought was on our side. Professor Snape had been a spy for the Order, by being a former Death Eater he had access to Voldemort. And then Snape had suddenly killed Dumbledore. The Order dissolved, we lost our leader, and the war broke out in full. It was now every man for himself.

Shortly after that Mad-Eye Moody, my Auror mentor, was murdered. Bill Weasley's wedding was destroyed. The Ministry fell. Our Minister, my previous Auror Head, murdered after just a year in office. Harry and his friends disappearing, on a mysterious mission for Dumbledore.

And finally, just four months ago, both my parents were murdered. They had not been part of the Order, or the Auror Squad, but they did not hide what they felt about Voldemort's principles, in fact they took every opportunity to shout it from the roof tops. This got them killed. That had nearly been the end of me. The Mental Healer we had at the Auror Office sent me on sick leave for four weeks. If it hadn't been for Remus, I would have gone straight to Voldemort's lair and gotten myself killed in a crazy fit for revenge. But Remus kept me grounded, and sane, and proved himself worthy of being all the family I could need.

...

Just thinking about the pain, grief, stress and horror of the last few years made me feel even gloomier than what I usually felt these days. Needing to feel closer to Remus, I snuggled closer to him and gently kissed the corner of his lips.

His deep, slow breaths of sleep quickened slightly as he stirred. "Wha're you doin'?" he asked sleepily, with one eye open. "Why rn't you sleepin'?"

"I couldn't, too much on my mind. So I've been watching you sleep." I smiled innocently. "Thinking about how much I love you, how much I love us."

"Love you too." He was a bit more awake now.

I leaned down to kiss him again.

"If you keep doin' that, you won' sleep at all."

"Is that a promise?" I asked playfully before I kissed him a third time. Lingering for a few seconds, feeling him actually waking up completely next to me.

Suddenly he sprang up and pinned me beneath him. I squealed in surprise and began laughing. But he quickly shut me up with a mind blowing kiss, both feeling excitement bubble like lava between us, and with a shove of his hips we were joined in pleasure.

For now I enjoyed myself, drowning in his love, the vibration between us stronger than ever. Remus had managed to distract me from the depressing thoughts of war and tragedy, but the uncertainty of tomorrow always lingered in the background. Never knowing if this was our last night together, never knowing who we would lose next.


End file.
